HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
South Carolina lawmakers introduced a bill Friday to allow gold and silver coins to be legal currency in the state as well as the dollar.
It could pass.
The only thing holding it back is whether the face on the coins should be Jefferson Davis or Glenn Beck.
U.S. Senator Jim Inhofe saw the photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse Thursday.
He said the bullet went into his eye then exploded inside his brain and then it came out his ear.
These bullets are so dangerous the rap star Common just did an entire song praising them.
President Obama invited the rapper Common to the White House Thursday despite his lyrics glorifying a New Jersey cop killer.
The circumstances permitted it.
The president had just blown the head off a terrorist and he needed a little mood music to help him unwind.
Obama’s ban on oil drilling offshore in the Gulf of Mexico was voted out by the GOP House.
He can’t call anybody an ocean polluter now.
Crews of volunteers have begun rescuing ducks that are swimming in the ocean with Osama bin Laden all over them.
The Pentagon revealed Thursday that U.S. commandos videotaped bin Laden’s killing with twenty-five separate helmet cams. It’s still under review by officials.
If it turns out that Osama bin Laden wasn’t armed, the United States could be charged with a timeout.
Osama bin Laden ordered al-Qaeda not to bother killing Joe Biden in his will.
It’s not that he disrespected the vice presidency.
Bin Laden wanted to kill Dick Cheney but one look at the photos of the blood all over his face and it is obvious Dick Cheney outdrew him.
Obama said Thursday economic recovery will take another two years.
It’s hampered by high gas prices.
When Obama promised to get the economy on its feet, we didn’t realize it meant our cars would be running on Flintstone power.
Indiana GOP Governor Mitch Daniels had to explain Wednesday how his wife divorced him to run off with a doctor in California.
After two years with the California doctor she came back and re-married him. He didn’t figure out for six months it was the same woman.       
London’s Daily Mail reported that Prince William and Duchess Kate will come to Los Angeles in July and then go on a tour of California parks.
The reception will be hugely enthusiastic.
Californians are all learning English to make them feel welcome and at home.
Bartender magazine reported that the bar business is way down in Los Angeles since gasoline prices began going through the roof. It’s begun affecting everybody’s quality of life.
Los Angeles County went bankrupt Monday halfway through a slow-speed car chase.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)