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The Mueller Report: A FAQ
Will Durst

Q. What just happened?

A. After 675 days, 19 lawyers, 40 FBI agents, 500 search warrants, 2800 subpoenas and 13 requests to foreign governments for evidence, Robert Mueller delivered his report to Attorney General William Barr, putting the investigation to rest.

Q. With no new indictments?

A. Nope. Just the 34 already filed, with eight guilty pleas - including the president’s former lawyer, first national security advisor, former campaign manager and a slew of top aides.

Q. And what was the overall impression of the final report? 

A. To commemorate the opening of the baseball season, it seems fitting that the special counsel stepped to the plate, swung and missed. Three times. On collusion, conspiracy and obstruction. The Mighty Mueller has struck out.

Q. How have Republicans responded to this apparent vindication of the president?

A. The entire party is performing little pirouettes of joy, toasting each other with champagne, caviar and cigars, while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads.

Q. And the Democrats?

A. Oooh. Sad. Don’t look. They’ve wilted like freshly cut lilies placed in the back window of an 1982 Mustang at the Wisconsin State Fair the second week of August.

Q. Would you say they’re disappointed over the revelations or lack thereof?

A. America has become accustomed to historical incidents where the buildup far exceeds the actual event, like the Comet Kohoutek, George McGovern, Michael Jordan’s baseball career, Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, the jetpack, Star Wars: Episode 1, Theranos, season 2 of True Detective, the Galaxy 7, Ryan Leaf, Google Glass, Y2K and the Edsel.

Q. Not to mention your comedy career?

A. Was that absolutely necessary? 

Q. I ask the questions. So where would this particular disappointment rank?

A. Near the top. Somewhere between Geraldo Rivera’s unveiling of Al Capone’s Vault and Howard the Duck the movie. But Democrats are used to it.

Q. Didn’t Mueller himself say this probe is not an exoneration of Trump’s possible obstruction of justice?

A. Yeah, but nobody knows exactly what that means, since we only have William Barr’s four page summary of a report that may be thousands of pages long.

Q. What will Barr agree to release?

A. Trump’s newly appointed attorney general doesn’t look like he’s inclined to release anything more than a few heavily redacted prepositions and maybe a random conjunction or two, patting Congress on the head, saying “don’t worry, nothing to see here. Just move along.”

Q. Will House Democrats go gentle into that good night?

A. You’d have a better chance of seeing piles of sand replace furniture in the next Architectural Digest spread on the living rooms of Houston oil executives.

Q. And the mood of Donald Trump?

A. The president is near delirious, hopping around like a leprechaun, chanting “no collusion, total vindication” over and over in the manner of a parrot with Turrets Syndrome. 

Q. Has he changed his tune on Mueller?

A. Indeed. Instead of “a prosecutor gone rogue, aligned with his gang of angry democrats,” now he’s a noble man who has done the country a great service.

Q. So they’re good buddies now?

A. I wouldn’t be surprised if he invites Mueller down to Mar-A-Lago for a few rounds of golf.

Q. Would he still cheat?

A. Probably. Might give him a discount on greens fees though.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.