Along with uplifting news stories about the COVID-19 variants, former President Trump’s second impeachment trial, and Tom Brady’s unmitigated gall to continue winning Super Bowls that include terrible halftime entertainment, we’ve also been learning about new victims of the so-called “cancel culture,” in which individuals are randomly selected to be ostracized from the “We’re Good and You’re a Stinky Poo-Poo Head Club” of social and professional life.
Just recently, “The Mandalorian” star Gina Carano was “canceled” by Lucasfilm for her offensive social media posts - and for having larger biceps than most of her male co-stars. (Ironically, Baby Yoda continues to maintain celebrity status, even after heartlessly devouring several of the alien Frog Lady’s tadpole eggs in season two.)
Instead of wallowing in the controversy of the cancel culture’s inconsistencies, I’d like to propose that we put this phenomenon to good use by canceling some of the more egregious annoyances inflicted upon the American people - especially me.
First, I say we cancel the way laundry detergent bottles are designed to permanently hold hostage at least one full underwear load’s worth of liquid when the container is supposedly empty. Sure, I could solve the problem by using those pre-measured Tide pods, but then I’d have to worry about my daughters’ two doglets accidentally swallowing them and destroying even more of my grass, notwithstanding the yard’s subsequent fresh, clean scent.
Speaking of pets and underwear, I wish the good Lord would cancel static electricity during the winter months. Not only does it cause the doglets to drag most of the grass they kill back into the house with them, but there’s also the problem of its effect on my wife’s and daughters’ undergarments. Apparently, ladies’ unmentionables are electrically predisposed to adhere to the lower inside legs of my pants when they come out of the dryer, choosing only to release themselves while I’m at work, the gym, or at church. Try explaining that to your boss - or a deacon.
Another candidate for cancellation is the practice of restaurants seating screaming children within shattering distance of my eardrums. During an outing for dinner at the local Olive Garden with my wife and three teenage daughters, the only screaming I should hear is my own when I get the bill. Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that families with small children have every right to go out to eat at restaurants. I just wish they were seated in a more distant location, like Greenland.
Another candidate for cancellation is the robocall I get repeatedly from exotic cities like Snowflake, Ariz., with that guy claiming he has spent every waking moment trying to contact me about my car’s extended warranty. First of all, what does this dude know about the non-existent warranty on my 2013 Ford Expedition that vaguely smells like a wet sock and has a five-year-old Starbuck’s coffee beverage stain on the rear floorboard? Secondly, I really don’t appreciate the massive letdown I experience after having been so excited and intrigued that I’m receiving a call from Snowflake, Ariz., rather than from one of my three daughters asking for cash.
In addition to the everyday aggravations noted above, there are numerous other irritating aspects of life to criticize and even banish without turning on our fellow citizens. While I certainly believe strongly in accepting consequences for our choices, I say we follow the example of the Bible (and my wife when I screw up) to admonish one another, bear with one another and ultimately forgive one another.
In other words, we should hold fast to our beliefs, accept our differences and live in a spirit of love and unity - unless, of course, you bring your screaming kid with you to the Olive Garden.
Graves is an award-winning humor columnist from East Texas. Contact Graves at firstname.lastname@example.org.