LARNED — There is nothing like the sports world for giving out awards.
Well, maybe the entertainment industry tops them but not by much. Both of them practice it so much as if to perform a Doxology!
In sports we have Most Valuable, Newcomer of the Year, All-League, All-American, All-Pro, Most Likely to Succeed and Player Who’s Mother Loves Him The Most!
We could go on and on but why be redundant?
All of this reminds me that there is a category that is sorely underrepresented: The ALL NAME TEAM.
That’s right. I am a collector of unusual names in the world of sports and occasionally I update my candidates for this prestigious and illustrious award.
You will find it not on television, not on radio and not in the national print media.
Only right here!
Most are from the world of basketball. Something about the sport seems to attract those with unusual monikers.
Yes Virginia, these are REAL names!
Here’s my ALL NAME TEAM:
CHIEF KICKINGSTALLIONSIMS. ... He played at Alabama State. You don’t want to stand next to him on the free-throw lane!
GOD’S GIFT ACHIOWA. ... He’s playing at St. Johns right now. I wonder what Saint John thinks about that?
GOD SHAMMGOD. ... One of my all-time favorites who played at Providence. I’m trying to keep our Gods all together here.
CHRISTIAN STANDHARDINGER. ... Currently matriculating at U. of Hawaii. Another guy you don’t want to stand next to!
LONGAR LONGAR. ... Who can forget Oklahoma’s excellent player who didn’t know his first name from his last?
TOMMY GUNN. ... Middle Tennessee U. Don’t you just know he was a real gunner, a shooter?
PARFAIT BITEE. ... Rhode Island U. Not a guy you’d want to sit next to on the bus when they were passing out deserts!
SHADRACK LUFILE. ... Currently a Wichita State Shocker. That name just rolls off your tongue!
Lest you think we’re being sexist with a male-dominated team, check out the U. of California’s 20th-ranked women’s basketball team who are led by AFURE JEMERIGBE and HIND BEN ABDELKADER.
Heck, by the time you can say her name after a bucket, the other team has inbounded the ball and got to the other end and scored their own basket!
So parents, get imaginative.
You might be sitting on $Millions with that little athlete of yours.
Pick the right name. Fred, Judy, Melvin or Barbara just won’t do.
If you want to someday make Charlie’s ALL NAME TEAM, you gotta do way better than that.
Charles Tabler is a contributing writer from Larned