DEAR SANTA — We Longhorns football fans have suffered enough! 8-4 this year. AGAIN!
Worse, we’ve suffered the ignominy of an 18-17 Big 12 Conference record in the past four seasons.
It’s enough to make one practice humicubation!
Santa, we want a new coach.
What? Yes, the reincarnation of Vince Lombardi might do it, though I doubt it would satisfy ALL “Hook ’em Horns” fans.
You realize, Santa, we are entitled. We invented football. The best high school football in the nation is played in Texas and by dad- gum- it, Austin should be the epicenter of college football.
So Alabama’s Saban didn’t want to come here. He probably doesn’t like barbecue anyway!
Money’s no problem Santa. Texas has got more money than the rest of the world combined.
Texas booster Red McCombs says Texas can get any coach it wants. He says, “Hell, all the money that’s not at the Vatican is up at UT!”
Money can’t buy happiness?
Maybe not, but it CAN buy you a great coach and more than eight wins and THAT, Santa, is true happiness.
DEAR SANTA — I’m looking for a shooter.
No, not that kind of shooter. A 3-point shooter for the Kansas Jayhawks.
Yes, I know they’ve got a bunch of them. Let me clarify: I’m wanting a 3-point MAKER!
We’ve got plenty of shooters, we’re a little short on 3-point makers.
These zone defenses make the game a little boring, take away the fast-break opportunities and, heavens knows, that’s what all of we Jayhawks fans thrive on!
You’ve either got to deliver someone or get rid of zone defenses. Maybe both would be better.
What? I don’t give a RIP what you do about Jim Boeheim and Syracuse’s famous zone defense.
I think it should be outlawed!
How are we going to win a national championship when they let teams play those tricky zone defenses?
DEAR SANTA — I don’t want to seem like a greedy little kid, BUT I’d like to have a playoff win for the Kansas City Chiefs.
I know we’ve already received one of the greatest turnarounds in NFL history.
I know that Andy Reid has returned the Chiefs to heights not seen since Hank Stram and I know that we’ve been blessed with one of the best all-purpose running backs in the history of the NFL in Jamal Charles but ... Gee, I still want more.
What? Well, I suppose you’re right.
If you give me a playoff win then I will want an AFC championship, and if given that, I will want the biggest gift of all, a Super Bowl win.
Greedy? I guess, but even Rudolph says you’ve got to strive to be the best, red nose and all.
DEAR SANTA — Hey Dude. I be chillin’, wishin’ and hopin’.
Dude, you is the oldest person I know.
Almost as old as that dude at Kansas State, Bill Snyder. He is the white hair of college football.
Come to think of it, dude, you two look alike.
Anyway, he’s been coachin’ a long time. Almost as long as you been ridin’ that sleigh filled with packages and pulled by that funny deer with the bloodshot nose.
Point is, dude, I’d like to see a bowl win for that man.
That white-haired hipster that designed that Wildcat logo years ago and made himself and Kansas State rich.
Now I’m knowin’ that this Snyder dude been havin’ some troubles winnin’ these bowl games lately.
That’s where I come in and where you come in.
A little intervention, if you will. I know this Snyder fella ain’t goin’ be doin’ this gig much longer so how ’bout you and those reindeer drop a little present on us with a win over those Michigan Wolverines?
That’s one ugly Mascot anyway!
DEAR SANTA — I’m tired of asking for a quarterback for Charlie Weis and the Kansas Jayhawks football team.
You keep bringing them and nothing works.
Maybe it’s NOT the quarterback so how about you load up that sleigh with three good offensive linemen and a couple of pass rushers and a couple of linebackers and a cornerback and a safety and a couple of wide receivers that can actually catch the ball and ... and ... what?
You don’t have that much room in the sleigh?
Well, get a bigger sleigh because my Jayhawks friends NEED all of that and more to make this football team competitive in the Big 12.
Remember Santa, you were once a quarterback yourself and you didn’t like getting knocked down either.
Charles Tabler is a contributing writer from Larned