Suppose we took all of the politicians in the country and tossed them in a sack—I know, I know, there’s LOTS of you that want to do that-and then tossed into that same sack a buch of dudes from the sports world. Shake it up and dump it out. What might it look like? What might we get?
President Trump announces LeBron James as his pick to fill the Supreme Court vacancy. LeBron is widely considered the best judge in the NBA but, even so, an outrage from the Democrats pours forth! General Manager of the New York team, Chuck Schumer howls, “I don’t care what his scoring average is, I don’t care how many titles he’s won, he’s still appointed by the Trumpmeister so I’m against him!” “There’s no question that he’s a right-wing shooter and that’s going to upset the balance of this great league. If I have to filibuster until Bob Cousy returns, then so be it! We’ve worked too hard to get this league, this country, leaning to our kind of ball club and we’ll die fighting to keep it that way!”
Meanwhile, back in Kansas, Bill Snyder has announced that he is going to tackle the huge budget deficit facing the Sunflower state by agreeing to take over as Governor, Budget Director, Attorney General and Insurance Commissioner all at the same time. Pundits across the country say, “It can’t be done. It’s never been done. Impossible job.” The gentlemanly Snyder responds with, “plan your work and work your plan. Every day we are going to get just a little better than the day before. We are all a family here in this great state and through dedication, hard work, and a family attitude, we will overcome.” History says it won’t work, can’t work, but the bespectacled Snyder just smiles back at his doubters and announces that he is changing the logo from the Kansas sunflower to a Wildcat and that he will own all copyright and patent holdings. Following Snyder’s first press conference all of the reporters were looking quizzically at one another and asking, “What the heck did he say? He talked a lot but I don’t know what he said!”
In an arm wrestling contest Rudy Giuliani defeated Mark Cuban and now is the sole owner of the Dallas Mavericks of the NBA. The balding Giuliani announces that there will be no more facial hair on any of his players and if they don’t comply they will be deported. When quizzed by reporters as to where the players might be deported to, Giuliani quips, “somewhere foreign. Probably New York or California!”
Former point guard and now President, Donald Trump appoints Bill Self of Jayhawk fame as Secretary of State and immediately charges him with building a basketball team to take to North Korea to compete against and teach the game to Kim Jong-un’s national basketball team. Self immediately appoints Dennis Rodman as his top assistant coach. Rodman’s first task is to convince all of the North Koreans that they will be better basketball players IF they get studs in their lips, ears and nose and tattoos over their entire body. Skeptically, the North Koreans agree IF the Americans agree to get haircuts like their leader, Kim Jong-un. The first “bowl cut” is reserved for Bill Self who states that this should be a boon to recruiting for his Jayhawks! Problems occur when Rodman and Self cannot find a basketball court in all of North Korea. Last seen, Rodman and friends were cleaning off a missile-launching pad and erecting two peach baskets!
Back in the Sunflower state, Hillary Clinton is named the new athletic director at the University of Kansas. Charged with fixing a losing football program, Clinton is expected to take over immediately. When questioned about the odd choice of Hillary Clinton, KU administration officials responded that there are a lot of football losses to blame somebody for and that Hillary Clinton is the best there is at blaming others for her losses! Her salary was not announced and there was no statement as to whether or not she would have an email account at the university.
Term limits? Oh Yeah!
Buddy Tabler is a guest columnist for the Great Bend Tribune and his views don’t necessarily reflect those of the paper. He can be reached at email@example.com.