The latest buzz on the internet is a lifespan calculator put out by an insurance company to calculate or predict how long you will live. The questions are based on lifestyle. Fred took the test, and so did Fred’s sister. They are both healthy, disciplined, and tend to be moderate in their habits.

The test calculated that she will live to be in her 90s. Fred to over 100!  

I am not taking that dumb test. I told Fred that I might find that I passed away last year. I don’t want to know that I am no longer among the living.

He thinks I am being funny. But maybe I don’t want to know. Or maybe the analysis of life expectancy will stick in my brain like glue and affect my expectations?

There are questions like: How often do you exercise? How old are you? What is your gender?  Weight? Height? Alcohol consumption? Smoking habits? Eating habits? 

The exercise question is what gives me the willies.

I decided to stop being a wimp. I took the test. I changed my answers each time, and each time I received the same results. I have a lot of years left. It is a feel-good test. Easy.

There are no questions on this particular test regarding how often one eats vegetables, salad, fruit ... and how many glasses of water per day. I would do well at that. Or at least, like you, I think I could pass that one.

I have concocted a test in my head that I feel is much more accurate, but no one would want to take it. Consider each point as equal value with the next.

Are you grossly overweight? Are you in denial about your weight? Do you eat fast food? How often? Do you sleep well at night? Do you raid the refrigerator at night? Do you take vitamins?

Do you have fun often? What’s fun? How about hobbies? 

Do you have stress in your life? Are you lonely? Do you have friends? Do you have a pet?

And then, I would add these absolute deal breakers to my list. These following questions are for sure, life expectancy shorteners. They are all of equal importance. 

Do you drive fast? Do you text or talk on the phone while you are driving? Do you let your mind wander when you are behind the wheel?

Do you cross the street without checking the big truck bearing down on you?

Do you own pet poisonous snakes? Do you cuddle with them?

Do you grab whatever you can find when you are hungry? Is a candy bar and a soda considered a meal?

Do you plop into the easy chair in the evening and stay glued there until bedtime?

Do you engage in strange hobbies like climbing cliffs, or mountains, or engage in activities you have seen on television’s “Jackass” where stunt men wrestle a bear while wearing a bear costume, or ride a bike off a cliff?

And then, last but not least; the big one. Do you have kids? This life experience will determine greatly your lifespan, and affect your many emotions and health conditions, whether they be joy, frustration, satisfaction, angst, or whatever. Raising children can create the fear, phobia, paranoia, stress, and exhaustion factor in your life as well ... and will certainly affect your lifespan. 

Follow my advice. Don’t take any of these tests. You’ll probably live longer.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day!

Judi Tabler lives in Pawnee County and is a guest columnist for the Great Bend Tribune. She can be reached atjuditabler@gmail.com.