Fred just came in the door from doing errands, and he was frustrated. His phone wouldn’t text from the store. He said, “It wouldn’t connect with the internet!? It acted like it was dead!” He had not touched the settings, and it appeared that the phone had possibly re-set itself, he grumbled. When we began to discuss why it acted this way, he enunciated real clearly and spoke louder.

That’s what he does when he is unnerved.

I could tell he was ticked, and told him he was being crabby.

“I’m not crabby,” he retorted. Ha. He was too.

Technology does that to us. Maybe, for a start, we need to go back to land-line phones.

But, that’s not my topic today. 

No, I want to relate how fortunate my husband is to have me. Never mind how fortunate I am to have him. Today I want to say how very blessed he is that he is married to ME.

You see, I have read different studies regarding the long lives men enjoy when married to a woman like me! Did you get that? Husbands tend to live longer if they have wives with certain attributes.

I don’t know if beauty is one of the long-life-for-a-husband attributes. That could be a “short life” risk. No, outer beauty is not one of the sure-to-bring-a-long-life promises.

A recent study shows that women with bigger behinds are on the average more intelligent and healthier than women with average-sized buns!? In a study conducted by Oxford University, 16,000 women were analyzed. The study found that the women with bigger behinds were more intelligent and more resistant to chronic illness. Konstantinos Manolopoulous, head researcher in the study, (and I might add, head waster of valuable work goals and financial grants) explained, “The idea that body fat distribution is important to health has been known for some time. However, it is only very recently that thigh fat and a large hip circumference have shown to promote health ...” 

Can you imagine the guy going around measuring 16,000 thighs? Sure, Konstantino ... fun study.

The study also revealed that women with larger derrieres tended to have lower cholesterol glucose levels, as well as higher levels of Omega-e fats. 

And the article goes on, ad nauseam.

But, here’s the best part. In another study, this time according to Lawrence Whalley, professor of mental health in the College of Medicine and Life Sciences at the University of Aberdeen (another dubious study possibly carried on with a shovel in a barnyard) ... If a man wants to live a longer life, he should marry a smart woman. Such a union can extend his life and reduce his risk of dementia.

I am going to tie this all together.

The article says, men that choose to marry intelligent women live longer as well as happier lives. Intellectually challenging games like crossword puzzles could help protect against Alzheimer’s and dementia by stimulating the brain. Therefore, he says, it’d make sense that a woman that engages in crosswords, intellectual pursuits, etc. challenges the mental faculties of her husband the same way.

Now, here’s the catch. The big butt does matter! Whoever has a bigger bum than the average chick, is intelligent, right? And since she is intelligent, she is an intellectual stimulant for her spouse. And he will live longer!

Her wit, logic, spark, mental strength, and invigorating ability to engage in intelligent discourse will keep the old guy thinking, guessing, and continually trying to figure out how to respond to her. That alone will keep him engaged in life and the thinking process. 

And it’s all because she has a big bum.

That’s MY take.

Now, cell phones, computers, Ipads and such, no doubt engage our minds as well. But, as for me, I like the fat behind to intelligence to long life for husband connection.

Now, I think I will go eat a piece of leftover Thanksgiving pie.

Judi Tabler lives in Pawnee County and is a guest columnist for the Great Bend Tribune. She can be reached at bluegrasses@gmail.com. Visit her website juditabler.com.