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Matt Keenan Column
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Santa, it’s that time again — my annual Christmas list. Let’s get right to it.
At the very top, I want a hot tub time machine. Something that will take me back to 1977, when life was simple, cheap and a crisis was a flat tire on my Schwinn. Back to a time when I’d never heard of a prostate or colon, which meant both functioned at world-class levels. When bands like Kiss made music, not bad commercials. When airport security was sensible and flying was fun, even glamorous.
Santa, deliver more studies like the one that says you live longer if you drink moderately and die sooner if you don’t drink at all. Cheers! Which means those Chiefs fans who sit in the upper deck have many more seasons ahead of them.
Other wishes: Head-to-toe Spanx.
And enough of Facebook, “friending” and all the chatter that comes with that obsession. Likewise, can I get a break from anyone over the age of 50 who uses text-speak — LOL!, OMG! GTG, JK! Could I go to one restaurant where management doesn’t have to tell its employees in bold lettering on the bathroom wall to wash their hands?
I have suggestions for others who presumably are worthy.
Turner Gill: OK, he has a team, so what’s missing? Oh, I don’t know — a quarterback who is capable of running, throwing and tackling when he throws an interception. Other wishes — a defense, special teams and a plan for giving us a shot at beating North Dakota State.
The Royals: A season that give us hope in June.
Todd Haley: A razor.
Justin Bieber: A buzz cut.
Bernie the dog: Pet spa vacation at Red Bridge Kennel. Carry-out ribs. Daily parades so she can see the world.
My wife: Kleenex to fill the near-empty nest.
Me again: A Glee holiday. At the airport recently I was in the security holding pen with a large group of high school students preparing for a Glee tryout, apparently. Most had T-shirts proudly displaying the name. They were so happy and giddy, which didn’t mix well with Scrooge. More morsels, less air in those 100-calorie bags.
And if you are really Santa, I want all of us to have more respect for people who do the hard jobs like teachers, cops, firefighters and our military veterans, and less for those that get to “play for pay” — professional athletes and others famous for doing nothing. (See Jersey Shore, the Kardashians and everyone else on the fringe channels.) More uplifting shows like Extreme Makeover. Jobs for the unemployed and better jobs for the under-employed.
If you deliver on this list, then you are real.
Merry Christmas to all!