For Melody Lovvorn, the healing process really began when she watched her ex-husband, Traylor, sit down with their four children and explain that his pornography-fueled infidelity had caused their divorce.
To see them pop into their daddys lap and to say, Daddy we forgive you, it was like this log jam broke, said Lovvorn, one of the speakers at the 14th annual Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference Saturday. I got to experience the redemption that God redeems the biggest messes, no matter what it is. Our kids got to experience that one day that life is messy and God is good.
After six years of divorce and long roads of healing, Melody and Traylor were remarried in 2008 and now devote their lives to teaching others that pornography addiction can be overcome and that true intimacy comes by learning how to connect at weakness, instead of impress(ing) with strength, said Melody.
More than 2,700 people, the highest number ever, attended the full-day event, with classes ranging from talking to children about pornography and learning tech tips to healing from betrayal and taking accountability in recovery. Audio from the lectures will be posted on Utahcoalition.org.
I cannot think of a single instance where I have seen someone succeed where accountability is not a part of their healing process, explained Kevin Skinner, a marriage and family therapist and clinical director of Addo Recovery. If addiction is a manifestation of an attachment disorder, attachment is one of the ways we work to overcome (it).
Skinner shared the story of a client who found recovery from pornography by attending a 12-step program and linking with a sponsor to whom he was able to tell the whole truth, instead of half-truths hed been telling wife, trying to minimize her pain.
Along with the sponsor, the client also found six other accountability partners with whom he checked in weekly, offering an invaluable source of support and friendship.
Those healthy relationships are crucial to recovery, says Skinner, because pornography addiction is so isolating and shame-creating and recovery is a long process. In fact, of the 600 people Skinner had talked with over the last year, 92 percent did not have a sponsor, 73 percent hadnt been to counseling, and 56 percent hadnt even talked with a family member or friend.
When people say nothing is working for me, its probably because theyre trying to do it on their own, he said. Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.
One way to avoid the development of shameful secrets is to create a home environment where anything can be discussed and normal biological curiosity isnt shunned, said Dina Alexander, founder and president of Educate and Empower Kids, an organization designed to strengthen families by creating powerful connections.
Which is why when Alexanders 6-year-old son snuck the Victorias Secret catalog out of the recycling bin and hid it under his pillow, she talked to him about it, and simply explained why thats not something they do in their home, but didn't shame his curiosity.
Yet for many parents, getting to that point means overcoming their own uncomfortableness, Alexander said.
One of the biggest complaints I have from parents in these presentations is they want to do this with the talk check it off and be done, she said. But we dont check off parenting. You start simply, (then continue) layering, adding on, adding on throughout the years.
Such talks should include discussions about media literacy as parents dissect advertisements, movies and music to help children see what is real and what is scripted and manipulated. Talking about body image and self-worth is crucial to help children steer away from seeking validation through sexting or unhealthy relationships. And above all, Alexander counseled, simplify, to ensure that children are not fragmented by too many activities but have time to build healthy family relationships filled with love and suport.
We are coming to a point in our culture where we cannot afford to spend any time (on things) that do not strengthen us as a family, Alexander said.
Pornography is the very antithesis of family building because as it continues to rend the very moral fabric of our society in every case it rends the moral fabric of the individual, said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, the mornings keynote speaker, who highlighted the Utah Legislature's recent approval of a resolution declaring pornography a public health crisis.
(Pornography) ought to be seen like a plague, a war, an infectious fatal epidemic that is maiming the lives of our citizens, Elder Holland said. Frankly, until the cries of a public health war sound, I fear we will be wholly unsuccessful against the germ invasion sweeping across our homeland.
After expressing love and concern for the innocent victims damaged by their loved ones porn habit, Elder Holland shared a modest little formula that hes shared with struggling individuals over the years.
Hold FAST, he would encourage them, explaining the acronym as: Fleeing, Asking for help, Striving and Triumph steps that can help an individual stay away from problematic triggers, remain positive and eventually find recovery.
No one can live very long without hope, he said. They need to have and to keep that hope always, to believe they can be victorious that they can conquer this implacable foe. We are the ones to give them confidence, give them hope.
UCAP chairwoman Pamela Atkinson challenged attendees to take the information they learn and to share it with at least five friends or family members.
There is hope, she said. We always end the conference by saying to people, you know that there is hope, you can get out of this porn. You can get out and help your family out of pornography.
To see them pop into their daddys lap and to say, Daddy we forgive you, it was like this log jam broke, said Lovvorn, one of the speakers at the 14th annual Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference Saturday. I got to experience the redemption that God redeems the biggest messes, no matter what it is. Our kids got to experience that one day that life is messy and God is good.
After six years of divorce and long roads of healing, Melody and Traylor were remarried in 2008 and now devote their lives to teaching others that pornography addiction can be overcome and that true intimacy comes by learning how to connect at weakness, instead of impress(ing) with strength, said Melody.
More than 2,700 people, the highest number ever, attended the full-day event, with classes ranging from talking to children about pornography and learning tech tips to healing from betrayal and taking accountability in recovery. Audio from the lectures will be posted on Utahcoalition.org.
I cannot think of a single instance where I have seen someone succeed where accountability is not a part of their healing process, explained Kevin Skinner, a marriage and family therapist and clinical director of Addo Recovery. If addiction is a manifestation of an attachment disorder, attachment is one of the ways we work to overcome (it).
Skinner shared the story of a client who found recovery from pornography by attending a 12-step program and linking with a sponsor to whom he was able to tell the whole truth, instead of half-truths hed been telling wife, trying to minimize her pain.
Along with the sponsor, the client also found six other accountability partners with whom he checked in weekly, offering an invaluable source of support and friendship.
Those healthy relationships are crucial to recovery, says Skinner, because pornography addiction is so isolating and shame-creating and recovery is a long process. In fact, of the 600 people Skinner had talked with over the last year, 92 percent did not have a sponsor, 73 percent hadnt been to counseling, and 56 percent hadnt even talked with a family member or friend.
When people say nothing is working for me, its probably because theyre trying to do it on their own, he said. Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.
One way to avoid the development of shameful secrets is to create a home environment where anything can be discussed and normal biological curiosity isnt shunned, said Dina Alexander, founder and president of Educate and Empower Kids, an organization designed to strengthen families by creating powerful connections.
Which is why when Alexanders 6-year-old son snuck the Victorias Secret catalog out of the recycling bin and hid it under his pillow, she talked to him about it, and simply explained why thats not something they do in their home, but didn't shame his curiosity.
Yet for many parents, getting to that point means overcoming their own uncomfortableness, Alexander said.
One of the biggest complaints I have from parents in these presentations is they want to do this with the talk check it off and be done, she said. But we dont check off parenting. You start simply, (then continue) layering, adding on, adding on throughout the years.
Such talks should include discussions about media literacy as parents dissect advertisements, movies and music to help children see what is real and what is scripted and manipulated. Talking about body image and self-worth is crucial to help children steer away from seeking validation through sexting or unhealthy relationships. And above all, Alexander counseled, simplify, to ensure that children are not fragmented by too many activities but have time to build healthy family relationships filled with love and suport.
We are coming to a point in our culture where we cannot afford to spend any time (on things) that do not strengthen us as a family, Alexander said.
Pornography is the very antithesis of family building because as it continues to rend the very moral fabric of our society in every case it rends the moral fabric of the individual, said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, the mornings keynote speaker, who highlighted the Utah Legislature's recent approval of a resolution declaring pornography a public health crisis.
(Pornography) ought to be seen like a plague, a war, an infectious fatal epidemic that is maiming the lives of our citizens, Elder Holland said. Frankly, until the cries of a public health war sound, I fear we will be wholly unsuccessful against the germ invasion sweeping across our homeland.
After expressing love and concern for the innocent victims damaged by their loved ones porn habit, Elder Holland shared a modest little formula that hes shared with struggling individuals over the years.
Hold FAST, he would encourage them, explaining the acronym as: Fleeing, Asking for help, Striving and Triumph steps that can help an individual stay away from problematic triggers, remain positive and eventually find recovery.
No one can live very long without hope, he said. They need to have and to keep that hope always, to believe they can be victorious that they can conquer this implacable foe. We are the ones to give them confidence, give them hope.
UCAP chairwoman Pamela Atkinson challenged attendees to take the information they learn and to share it with at least five friends or family members.
There is hope, she said. We always end the conference by saying to people, you know that there is hope, you can get out of this porn. You can get out and help your family out of pornography.
