It’s hard to believe, but we’re on the brink of another presidential election year. Let us pray. Every quadrennial, the American political process plays out as a big-top carnival sideshow featuring moral contortionists, ethical geeks and fat sweaty white guys teetering on slack media wires.
Fortunately, we Americans have become as resilient to this format as fourth-generation cockroaches are to watered-down insecticide. To show how familiar, we here at Durstco have compiled a political forecast of what to expect over the coming year. Clip and save. All dates are approximate. Your mileage may differ.
FEBRUARY 1, 2016: The results of the Iowa Caucuses are dismissed by non-winning candidates as an irrational political stunt, much like a game of musical chairs without the music. And no chairs.
FEBRUARY 9, 2016: Some type of victory in the New Hampshire primary, moral or otherwise, is claimed by no fewer than seven candidates.
MARCH 1, 2016: Super Tuesday. So called for the quantity of primaries, not the quality.
MARCH 11, 2016: A rumor about a low-polling politico having an affair with an aide is revealed to be a last-ditch cynical attempt to humanize him.
MARCH 20, 2016: A flag factory in New Jersey bans all photo-ops by Presidential aspirants in an attempt to get some work done.
APRIL 16, 2016: Ronald Reagan is reported to be in a Swiss spa getting transfusions of Keith Richards’ blood. “Draft Reagan” groups spring up in thirty-seven states.
APRIL 29, 2016: A New York Times poll says 40 percent of the American public sees a need for a third party.
APRIL 30, 2016: Ben Carson announces he will run as a third party candidate.
APRIL 31, 2016: A USA Today poll says 43 percent of the American public sees a need for a fourth party.
JULY 18, 2016: In Cleveland, the Republican National Convention outlines a platform that proposes hunting the homeless for food.
JULY 22, 2016: After the Republican National Convention, the conservative wing accuses the nominee of selling out the party. Cleveland cab drivers express disgust.
JULY 25, 2016: In Philadelphia, the Democrats float a platform that endorses good and condemns bad.
JULY 26, 2016: Due to pressure from large donors, the platform is watered down.
JULY 30, 2016: After the Democratic National Convention, the liberal wing accuses the nominee of selling out the party. Philadelphia Uber drivers express dismay.
AUGUST, 2016: Absolutely nothing happens in August and it is reported upon at great length.
OCTOBER 4, 2016: The Vice Presidential debate is beaten in the ratings by a Weather Channel special on topsoil. Two days later, the DEA rules it illegal to stream a recording of it while driving.
OCTOBER 19, 2016: No Presidential candidate personally appears at the final debate. Instead, spin-doctors give detailed answers as to how the candidates would have responded if particular questions were asked in a certain way.
NOVEMBER 8, 2016: In a concerted effort not to encourage these hypocritical tools, the public stays away from the polls in record numbers.
NOVEMBER 9, 2016: The losing party’s Vice Presidential nominee calls the election an aberration and fires an opening shot kicking off the 2020 campaign. The collective national groan registers a 4.2 on the Richter scale.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and margarine smuggler