Fresh from their triumphant deep dive into Benghazi, House Republicans have announced Friday they’ve created another Special committee, this time to - of course - Planned Parenthood. I kid you not! And since the 2016 election is so clearly on their minds, perhaps they’ll summon their favorite star witness. Just imagine...
“Secretary Clinton, when did you first contemplate parenthood?”
“I believe it was some time in the early winter of 1979.”
“Was it planned?”
“If memory serves, yes it was.”
“Ah! So it was a Planned Parenthood, was it not?”
“You got me there, Congressman. Ha ha.”
“Madame Secretary, I fail to see the humor. Were you home in 1979 when this parenthood was planned, at the moment of conception?”
“By definition, yes.”
“Home all night?”
“Yes I was.”
“Home all night - alone?”
“Clearly not. Ha ha.”
“Let the record show - and let the fair and balanced media take note - that the Secretary is exhibiting disrespect for this august committee.”
“Congressman, I am merely making a humorous gesture, in light of our long day and this late hour.”
“Secretary Clinton, I fail to understand why you would define 11 p.m. as ‘late,’ given your record in Benghazi, and the fact that Ambassador Stevens died at roughly this Eastern Time hour. A brave American who you failed to host in your home due to your criminal negligence -”
[Coughing fit.] “Excuse me, Congressman, but may I unwrap a lozenge?”
“You may do so, and I shall then wait patiently for answers to my next crucial line of inquiry: Did you ever discuss Planned Parenthood in private with Sidney Blumenthal?”
“Not to my recollection.”
“So you deny it?”
“I can only repeat what I just told you, Congressman - even though it is theoretically possible that in the three decades I’ve known Mr. Blumenthal, as a friend and aide, the organization’s name might’ve conceivably come up in occasional conversation.”
“Ah. So you’re confirming it?”
[Consults briefing book.] “There is not a single word about Planned Parenthood in my crosstabs.”
“Madame Secretary, it’s a a simple question: To what extent, and for what policy ends, did you discuss Planned Parenthood with Mr. Blumenthal?”
“As I said, I have no documentation that we ever did.”
“But what happened to the Mr. Blumenthal dossiers that prove that you did, and why have you not documented the Mr. Blumenthal dossiers for this committee?”
“I have no such dossier documentation.”
“Which proves that we do not yet possess the non-exculpatory evidence. Where are the disappeared dossiers that document how fervently you and Mr. Blumenthal discussed public funding for Planned Parenthood, and how often you may have spoken in jest about its systematic murder of fetuses for profit? Are there compromising emails? At what points in time did you and Mr. Blumenthal exchange such emails?”
“Congressman, during my term as secretary of state, I was focused on women’s rights around the world. To the best of my knowledge I had no time or occasion to focus my energies on Planned Parenthood.”
“So you’re telling this committee that not once, in all your years of ‘service,’ did you ever sit up late at night in your house - alone, as you say - and perform a data parameter search of your email threads for the phrase Planned Parenthood?”
“I would have had no reason to do that.”
“Are you also telling this committee that not once did you ever perform data parameter searches for the word planned and the word parenthood - searching them separately as opposed to in conjunction with each other? Don’t consult your crosstabs, Madame Secretary. Look at me when you answer.”
“There’s nothing to consult, Congressman. I recall doing no such searches. But you and I both know that, taken separately, those are very common words.”
“Ah! So you are conceding that it’s indeed possible that, in league with Mr. Blumenthal, you may have aided and abetted that organization? That perhaps there were plans to help Planned Parenthood open an office in Benghazi? I also wish to remind the committee at this time that the Secretary is refusing to maintain eye contact.”
“That’s because I’m nodding off, Congressman.”
“Fortuitously so, Madame Secretary, because my time is up. I thank you for your evasions, and look forward to questioning you further, in the 1 a.m. hour.”
“Congressman, I’ll have nothing new to tell you.”
“So tell me this: Did Mr. Blumenthal purloin your lozenge?”
Dick Polman is the national political columnist at NewsWorks/WHYY in Philadelphia (newsworks.org/polman) and a “Writer in Residence” at the University of Philadelphia. Email him at dickpolman7@gmail.com