HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House urged lawmakers Tuesday to pass President Obama’s latest stimulus spending bill which gives businesses tax incentives to hire people.
Something has to be done fast.
Forbes just listed the top 10 industries in America and begging is up to number seven.
Obama proposed new spending projects to try to jump-start the American economy on Monday. It will take generations of Americans to pay off the deficit and the national debt.
The moment a baby is born in America today the doctor slaps him with a 90 percent tax rate.
Obama railed against the rich Monday, saying the U.S. wasn’t founded by men who were greedy and reckless. Perish the thought of greed and recklessness at our nation’s birth.
The U.S. was founded by 3 million English choirboys who wanted nothing more than the land they own and the land that adjoins it.
Ask any Indian.   
U.S. combat troops began arriving home in the U.S. from Iraq Monday.
They find an America that’s torn by ethnic, religious and political divisions. Someday psychiatrists will define “The Iraq Syndrome” as a condition in which you become the country you over throw.   
Zaytuna College opened in Berkeley Monday as America’s first accredited Muslim college. The curriculum is Islamic studies and Arabic.
Freshmen students will not be required to wear beanies on campus lest any outsider possibly get the impression they are on their way to temple.
Florida minister Terry Jones said Monday he will burn Korans at his church this Saturday. This could get really spectacular.
The first thing al-Qaeda pilots learned in flight training school this morning is that the tallest structure in Florida is LeBron James.
The Texas Film Commission was urged to cancel its tax rebates to the producers of the movie, “Machete,” because of its anti-white racism. It portrays Texans as evil, rich and blood thirsty.
This kind of slander is going to continue until the slave states form an anti-defamation league.   
Los Angeles police faced rioting Guatemalans Tuesday after a cop killed a Guatemalan in the park who refused his order to halt and drop his knife and talk things over. Fortunately the LAPD has had sensitivity training.
They’ve been taught that in Central America it’s taboo to act white after Labor Day.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley announced Tuesday he won’t run for re-election after 20 years in office. All the paper work was wearing him out. Every time somebody in Chicago goes on a grave-robbing spree, the voter registration rolls have to be completely revised.
“Spider Man” Dan Goodwin was arrested Monday after he scaled San Francisco’s 60-story Millennium Towers condo building. The climb took twice as long as normal.
When you’re looking into that many windows in San Francisco it’s emotionally impossible to simply move on.
Reggie Bush was blamed by USC alums for their NCAA sanctions after his Heisman Trophy was stripped Tuesday. We all know how this ends.
Within two years he’ll be fondly remembered as a guy who might have been a cowboy but at least he stood up for America.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)