HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
FEMA asked Congress for $2 billion in extra aid money due to tornadoes, flooding and blizzards.
The need makes foreign aid look silly.
There are five states in the Midwest who would’ve gladly housed bin Laden if they knew how fast that would get you $3 billion in aid.
McDonald’s chairman Jim Skinner refused calls to fire Ronald McDonald at the company meeting in Chicago Friday.
He refused calls by the food police to get rid of Ronald for promoting unhealthy food to children.
In America, we don’t fire clowns for making us fat, we re-elect them.
The Agriculture Department released statistics Monday showing that forty-three percent of all corn harvested last year went to make gasoline. It drives up the price of everything that uses corn. A DVD of “Hee-Haw” now runs you $100 at the video store.
The Los Angeles Times reported further examples of worsening economic conditions in the Golden State Monday.
Last week tens of thousands of Californians lost their free food, free medical, free rent and free gym memberships.
The Supreme Court ordered them to leave prison.
Al-Qaeda’s new leadership on Monday issued a vow of revenge against the West for killing Osama bin Laden. It didn’t rattle anyone. This morning police in London found a bomb outside a local mosque but they’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it back inside.
The Pentagon said that Osama bin Laden’s third wife wouldn’t get the $25 million reward for reportedly turning him in to U.S.
authorities. It served as a warning to all the men in Saudi Arabia.
Just because women can’t drive doesn’t mean they can’t use the phone.
The U.S. Postal Service just completed a survey that’ll determine how many post offices get shut down. New figures say they lose a billion a month.
The Postal Service is always bragging that it’s the most profitable branch of government and now they have the numbers to back it up.
The White House announced Thursday it will launch a national advertising campaign that urges illegal immigrants in America to become U.S. citizens. It’s a different country.
Ten years ago the most popular drink in L.A. was “Sex on the Beach” and now it’s “Amnesty with a Wink.”
Sarah Palin stole the show at an Operation Rolling Thunder motorcycle rumble through Washington D.C. on Memorial Day, where she told reporters she paid a secret visit to the Lincoln Memorial the night before. It had to be secret. She wanted to let Abe know that she tracked down John Wilkes Moose up in Alaska and took care of him. 
Lindsay Lohan finished serving her first weekend of house arrest in a Santa Monica beach house Sunday.
She’s run out of favors.
Generally speaking cops don’t mind arresting you, they just don’t find it funny if you’re in the back seat of the cruiser giving them directions to the station.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)