BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Time magazine’s cover story on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell floated the idea of replacing the kickoff. During kickoff, three-hundred-pound men crash into each other sprinting at full speed.  It is so violent that Bob Costas just suggested they use guns instead.
Mercedes-Benz announced Thursday its engineers have developed a new technology that might allow drivers to look at Facebook on the windshield while they are driving. Next week a test driver will try it out on a public road. Police are already ruling it a suicide.
Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris showed up at Los Angeles City Hall Tuesday to apply for a wedding license. He’s eighty-six and she’s twenty-six. Experts on romance in Los Angeles say that Hefner may outlive her, especially if he is just buying her for the parts.
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan named Mark Sanchez his starter despite back-up Greg McIlroy winning last week. Those are the team’s only two choices. Last week a federal judge ruled that Tim Tebow cannot be displayed in public because he is a religious symbol.
Major League superstar free agent Josh Hamilton couldn’t get a long-term contract offer last week. He was offered four years but he wants seven years. Josh wants to play at least three years under a Republican president so he’ll have something to retire on.
The Washington Post’s poll Thursday has Hillary Clinton with record high approval ratings. Fifty-seven percent of Americans polled support her for president in four years. Thanks to Cialis, Bill Clinton could give comedians another eight years of easy living.
The London Mail uncovered the website Sponsor a Scholar that offers to pay college girls the cost of their annual tuition. In exchange the girls agree to have sex year-round with the site’s rich male clients. It’s a work-study program for a degree in Political Science.
President Obama met in the White House Thursday with leaders of America’s Indian tribes. They’re happy with Obama’s performance in office. Thousands of years ago the tribes walked across the land bridge from China, and now the land belongs to China again.
Egypt’s president Mohammed Morsi ordered the army Friday to clear Cairo of rioters and looters. It’s old hat for him. Mohammed Morsi is a USC graduate where he lived on campus, and he went through this every time the L.A. Lakers won the NBA Championship.
The White House warned Syria not to use its chemical weapons Thursday as Bashar al-Assad was reported shopping for a country that might give him asylum. Moscow is refusing to take in Assad. The last thing Vladimir Putin wants in Russia is a farm team.
Lindsay Lohan’s bank account was seized by the IRS Thursday a week after Charlie Sheen loaned her a hundred thousand to pay her back taxes. However, she didn’t do it. She partied with the money knowing that the sermon she’d get would lack commitment.
Detroit’s city council demanded Monday that President Obama bail out the city. The situation is dire. There are forty thousand vacant homes in Detroit and now the bears have been told they have to give half their picnic baskets to fund public employee pensions.
President Obama sought to take the House’s power to raise the debt limit Thursday. Harry Reid tried to take away the GOP’s power in the Senate to filibuster. It’s the most naked grab for power since Dominic Strauss-Kahn called for maid service from the shower.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.