Happy New Year, everybody, and God bless America.
President Obama signed a defense bill last week which funds U.S. military operations overseas. This bill also gives women total protection from sexual assault in the U.S. armed forces. It’s probably the perfect time for Iran to get an operation and become Irene.
Beverage Digest reports that Anheuser Busch ads will flood the Super Bowl telecast promoting Bud’s new Black Crown beer. The advertising pitch is simple. You may not be a football star but you can always enjoy the sensation of brain damage with Budweiser.
Texas A&M’s Johnny Manziel said Monday he doesn’t know if he’ll turn pro. He might work out at the Indy NFL combine. He has the arm and the drinking problem to make it big, but the scouts want to see him on the pistol range before they certify him as NFL-ready.
Tim Tebow put his NFL and religious career on hold and signed a deal to be a college football analyst for ESPN and a studio host for SEC Nation on SEC network. God doesn’t expect Tim to be perfect, everyone’s got their faults. God’s just happen to be in California.
Los Angeles was reported to have approved construction of dozens of high-rise office and apartment buildings on top of earthquake faults Monday. It’s an economic decision. The mayor is sick and tired of Hollywood producers leaving town to shoot disaster movies.
The London Guardian reports that French farmers in Normandy have begun feeding their cows two quarts of red Burgundy wine every day. The idea is to produce tender, top quality French beef. Unfortunately all the cows end up doing is texting their ex-milkers.
AT&T announced its It Can Wait campaign has collected four million pledges from young people not to text while driving. The law isn’t working well in Los Angeles. Someone just made a fortune designing an app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Egypt’s deposed President Morsi’s trial resumes in Cairo next week. He issued laws by decree, he ignored the constitution, and he blamed his predecessor for the economy. Most impressive is how it only took Egypt a year to establish an American-style democracy.
U.S. Senator Ted Cruz said Monday he will renounce his Canadian citizenship, as he was born in Calgary to a U.S. mom and a Cuban dad. This move is important for Cruz. It’d cost him the GOP nomination for president if he tested positive for any trace of government health care.
Australia sent a ship to rescue a scientific cruise ship stuck in the ice Monday. It was trying to prove that global warming is melting the ice shelf. As a last resort they’re going to have Al Gore jump off a helicopter and do a cannonball into the water to free the vessel.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s time in office ends after 12 years this month. He changed the city. Last night New York cops let a guy go for having less than 25 grams of marijuana on him but arrested him for having more than 16 ounces of Pepsi.
NSA fugitive Ed Snowden addressed the West on TV from Moscow Christmas Day. He seemed quite pleased with himself. Ed Snowden looks like the kind of guy who would mail order a Russian bride on the Internet and now he doesn’t have to pay for the shipping.
Barack Obama was polled Most Admired Man in America Monday. He’s saved the big banks, doubled the stock market, turned the U.S. into an oil exporter, and his health care law has everyone jogging and eating right to avoid getting sick and needing insurance. If a socialist can accomplish all this he has Republicans wondering what a communist could do.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.