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Argus Hamilton
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HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Columbus Day was celebrated with a parade in New York City Monday where Italian-Americans held pride marches. The explorer landed in the Bahamas while looking for India. Before the telephone was invented this is what people had to do to find tech support.
The London Mail noted on the fiftieth anniversary of James Bond movies that the spy has killed three hundred fifty villains in his movies. He’s bedded seventy-five women. Even super-spies aren’t immune from the reality that some guns reload faster than others.
Southern California gas prices hit an all-time high for the third day in a row Monday at five dollars a gallon. It’s gotten crazy.
Cedars-Sinai Hospital is hiring prostitutes to teach pregnant women in their Lamaze classes how to siphon gasoline without swallowing.
The Weather Channel reported thunderstorms rolling across the Southwest over the weekend, bringing some drought relief to Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas. No one can remember it so dry. The big-ticket show this week at the Texas State Fair is Disney on Dirt.
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he praised Hitler while he filmed his weightlifting movie Pumping Iron decades ago. It implies that steroids can make you a Nazi. It’s just more evidence of why Lance Armstrong was able to roll through France in twelve days.
A Philadelphia teacher ridiculed a female student who wore a Romney T-shirt to school Friday. The teacher said it’s like wearing a KKK shirt to school. The teacher assumed that when Augusta National admitted women last month that the decision covered the Klan, too.
American Airlines blamed spilled sugary drinks for loosening the floor screws on its seats that broke loose and rolled around. Their crews don’t mop the cabin. The TSA says sticky floors are a security precaution to keep hijackers from getting to the cockpit quickly.
Ann Romney agreed to guest host ABC’s Good Morning America today. She has the common touch. Ann will talk about the problems all women face when they’re trying to raise five boys on fifteen million dollars a year with a husband who travels all the time.
President Obama vowed to work with Republicans to solve the country’s problems if he’s given a second term. It’s not a reflexive action. He said compromise has become a dirty word in Washington and then he told the Republicans to go compromise themselves.
Michelle Obama said Friday if she were a producer she’d cast Denzel Washington to play her husband. That’s perfect. Denzel Washington played a submarine commander in another movie and he knows what it’s like to be sixteen trillion feet underwater.
President Obama addressed a fundraiser in Hollywood Sunday at the Nokia Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. It was his twelfth trip to Los Angeles since he became U.S. president. He’s here so often that he’s been arrested three times for loitering near an ATM.
Mitt Romney spoke at Virginia Military Academy Monday and compared his foreign policy goals to those of VMI grad General George Marshall.
He rebuilt Europe following World War II. Today General Marshall is remembered as the Father of the Pottery Barn Rule.
Barack Obama dedicated the Cesar Chavez National Monument in California Monday, honoring the late labor leader of Mexican fruit and vegetable pickers. Cesar Chavez has been reduced to a historical footnote ever since Americans swore off fruits and vegetables about fifteen years ago. A smarter politician would fly to Pennsylvania and honor Hershey.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at