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Argus Hamilton
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HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
American voters went to the polls Tuesday to select a Democratic president who will be blocked by Republicans or a GOP president who will be blocked by Democrats. So there’s no reason for either side to worry. If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.
Joe Biden said Bill Clinton bankrupted Chrysler and outsourced Jeep production to China Sunday. He got mixed up. He meant to blame Bush for the bankruptcy, Romney for the outsourcing, and Clinton for the climate condition that led to the Secret Service sex scandals.
Bill Clinton claimed the U.S. military is less racist and less sexist and less homophobic under President Obama. It’s the training. Under Obama, West Point cadets are required during their sophomore year to make a field trip to New York City to see a Broadway show.
The TSA was pressed by Congress to crack down on criminal behavior by its airport inspectors. Four TSA workers were recently videotaped snorting drugs at Los Angeles International Airport. It’s the first time anyone’s ever seen lines go that fast at the airport.
Charlie Sheen’s job as star of Anger Management was reportedly safe Sunday despite new stories that he’s partying again. He’s reported to be using cocaine and hiring hookers to live in his house. Charlie’s two sons are now living with their mother in a safer place, Syria.
NFL viewers overheard a referee swear twice into a microphone at the Indianapolis Colts game Sunday during a penalty call. It angered many TV viewers. If they’d wanted to see a political ad they would’ve been watching one of the news channels.
Congress turns its attention today to a budget deal to avoid the fiscal cliff looming in December. A new report says duplicate programs cost U.S. taxpayers billions each year. Congress was so interested in this study that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.
Staples Center’s bid to build an NFL stadium in Los Angeles got the go-ahead Friday when it settled with community groups. Builders agreed to hire ex-felons. This is a work crew you don’t want to boss around when you consider that almost nothing is a felony in California.
New York police arrested a man hoarding gasoline for sale on the black market Sunday. He was caught gassing up five-gallon plastic containers. You know how they are in New York, anything over sixteen ounces means you’re not walking and you’re going to be obese.
The White House sent U.S. Marines to land on the hurricane-battered shores of Staten Island and Queens Sunday. They landed ashore dressed in camouflage. Their uniforms were the same color as the buildings and with Spanish graffiti spray-painted all over them.
The Navy successfully tested a thirty-six-foot robot boat which can fire missiles and machine guns by remote control. These drone boats could put an end to all the piracy off the Africa coast. If it works on the high seas they’re going to try it on the music industry.
The USS Enterprise pulled into home port Saturday when the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier was retired. It saddened many. Thousands of people waited at the dock when the Enterprise arrived hoping to see William Shatner come ashore for the final time.
Alabama coach Nick Saban compared taking his players to Louisiana State’s stadium Saturday to the U.S. Navy SEALs going to Pakistan to kill Osama bin Laden. It’s offensive to compare Louisiana to Pakistan. Louisiana has more oil than Pakistan and if Louisiana had nuclear weapons, then Steven Spielberg’s new movie would be about Jefferson Davis.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at