HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama spoke to the nation about the stalled debt crisis talks Monday followed by Speaker John Boehner’s GOP reply.
The government fell apart the same day NFL football was saved.
It looks like Armageddon really did happen in May and we’ve just arrived at the Gates of Paradise.
Oregon Democratic Congressman David Wu was accused of having unwanted sex with a teenage girl.
No one can believe that a U.S. congressman made unwanted sexual advances.
In this economy women will throw themselves at any man who has got two years of job security.
China’s scientists finished a study on time travel Monday and stated it’s impossible because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.
They had to try.
China realized their only way of dumping U.S. Treasury bonds was to go back in time and never buy them in the first place.
Oslo madman Anders Breivik admitted on Monday he committed mass murder in Norway to protest Muslim immigration and cultural Marxism.
It’s the economy.
He’s sick and tired of immigrants coming into Norway and taking the terrorist jobs that Norwegians are willing to do.
The Weather Channel reported that Washington D.C. hit an all-time record of one hundred and five degrees last weekend.
The heat affected the budget talks.
Everyone was pushing Obama and Boehner to negotiate around-the-clock just for the chill in the air.
Boehner halted debt and budget talks with Obama Monday and decided to work with Senate Democrats.
He said under the Constitution, Congress writes the laws and the president decides what he wants to sign.
Ever since the Tea Party gave everyone on Capitol Hill a copy of the U.S. Constitution we don’t have to call tech support in India to fix every problem.
Obama complained about Boehner’s negotiation tactics Saturday.
He said he’d been left at the altar twice and that Boehner was refusing to answer his phone calls. He had said his position of gay marriage was evolving but we didn’t think this is what he meant.
Obama made history Friday by signing an order ending the ban on gays serving openly in the United States military in both combat and support units.
Everyone supports the idea.
We’re in three wars in the Middle East and if we don’t do this we’ll have to have a draft.
The Nixon Library released Oval Office tapes Friday showing Nixon was obsessed with his enemies even before Watergate.
His language is anti-Semitic, sexist and profane and he frequently says the N-word.
There’s an obelisk in Detroit saluting Richard Nixon as the Father of Rap Music.
The London Mail reported a psychology study Monday showing that going off the Internet for one day has the same effects as quitting drinking and smoking.
There’s no surprise here.
Everybody knows gambling and anonymous sex are just as addictive as drinking and smoking.
Charlie Sheen was seen jogging on Mulholland Drive Friday as he gets in shape for his sitcom, “Anger Management.”
He’s invented his own diet health drink which is three parts rum and one part Weight Watcher’s strawberry shake.
So far he’s lost ten pounds and his driver’s license,
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)