HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Black Friday lured one hundred 50 million Americans to stores Friday. It’s a ritual as regular as the Anglican Cycle of Prayer. Thanksgiving is followed by Black Friday which is followed by Cyber Shopping Monday, which is followed by Identity Theft Tuesday.
WalMart reported huge crowds of holiday shoppers nationwide on Friday. It always gets out of hand. On Thursday we give thanks for everything that’s meaningful in our lives and then Friday we go out and stab each other to save seven dollars on a Nintendo DS.
The Transportation Department said over one hundred million Americans traveled over Thanksgiving week to be with loved ones. That means family and friends to most Americans. In Los Angeles, by loved ones we mean the TSA guys who give us the pat-downs.
The National Retail Federation estimated Friday that 50 million Americans would do their holiday shopping online on Cyber Monday. That’s the day when all the stores online put everything on sale, Basically it’s Black Friday for people too lazy to put on pants.
The Pentagon ordered Thanksgiving dinner catered for all U.S. soldiers and personnel serving abroad on Thursday. It was no picnic stateside. General Petraeus’ relatives asked the general to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress.
President Felipe Calderone asked that Mexico change its name from United States of Mexico to Mexico to help contrast itself with the U.S. Polls reveal six out of 10 Mexicans think life’s better in the United States. The other four out of 10 Mexicans already live here.
Penn State removed a photo from the the school’s website of Sesame Street’s puppet Elmo posing with the mascot. This won’t do. After everything Jerry Sandusky put Penn State through, the last thing they need to offer in their holiday catalogue is Tackle Me Elmo.
Egypt’s President Mohamed Morsi declared Friday his decisions are above judicial review and can’t be overruled. It prompted pro-democracy riots. In Egypt they riot for freedom, whereas in our more advanced democracy we riot for two-dollar waffle irons.
President Obama asked Americans to unite around the White House Thursday in his Thanksgiving Day address to America. Reporters quickly noted he neglected to thank God. Now that reporters have him safely re-elected, they can tell us what they really think.
Victoria’s Secret was mobbed by women Friday for their yoga pants advertised on sale for twelve dollars. Men were horrified. All this emphasis on lingerie and it turns out what women really want to do is sit in something baggy and think about themselves.
The L.A. Times reports house-flipping is back in Beverly Hills due to a hot real estate market. Investors buy, fix up and sell homes for big profits. House flipping is a venerated Los Angeles practice that allowed Ed McMahon to work in TV for fifty years and die broke.
A London auction house will sell a Beatles audition tape made for Decca Records exec Dick Howe fifty years ago. He told them they had no future and that guitar groups were on their way out. The next year he told Lyndon Johnson that Southeast Asia was ours for the taking.
Hitchcock opened Friday starring Anthony Hopkins as the master director of murder suspense, Alfred Hitchcock. The highly-acclaimed actor has now played a murderous ventriloquist, Hannibal Lecter, Richard Nixon and Alfred Hitchcock. Millions of kids are told they’re creeps in junior high school but very few grow up and win Hollywood awards for it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.