God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NFL suspended New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady four games for authorizing the deflating of his footballs before the Super Bowl. It’s the most infamous incident of its kind in history. After 78 years, the pilot of the Hindenburg has been knocked out of the record books.
The NFL’s suspension of Tom Brady for deflating footballs to his liking before the Super Bowl drew criticism Monday. Some said it was too harsh, some said it was too lenient. The suspension is for four games but the commissioner will reduce it to two games if Brady will agree to beat up his wife.
Los Angeles restaurants and florists reported huge business on Mother’s Day on Sunday. There are three categories of celebrants in L.A. Mother’s Day is a joyous occasion for some, it’s a day of fond remembrance for others and it’s is the most confusing day of the year for Kylie and Kendall Jenner.
The Secret Service placed sharp metal spikes atop the White House fence to discourage fence jumpers. It’s no place to go over. The guard dogs work much harder than the Secret Service agents do because the dogs know the president never ate Secret Service agents when he was a boy in Indonesia.
The House Homeland Security Committee will hear testimony about attempted cyber-attacks by Russian and North Korean hackers on the White House during this past year. Nothing top-security was breached. The attack was first detected by Joe Biden when he noticed that Solitaire was running slow.
Jeb Bush raked in huge donations last weekend amid reports he will announce he’s running for president in July. The Tory victory in Britain gave the GOP the feeling that the world is starting to turn their way. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he could win.
Donald Trump’s speech drew the biggest cheers of all candidates at a conservative conference in South Carolina. He’s tuned into pop culture and knows what Americans like to talk about. Donald Trump’s hair is going to be interviewed by Diane Sawyer to announce that it’s transitioning into a quilt.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott warned of a possible repeat of last year’s flood of illegal children crossing the U.S. border this summer. They walk all the way up from Central America. It might help if we stop calling them illegal children and start referring to them as America’s Strategic Soccer Reserve.
Secretary of State John Kerry flew to Russia to try to ward off Vladimir Putin’s expansion policy into Eastern Europe. He then flies to Camp David and will to host an Arab summit where four out of six countries refused to attend. The day John Kerry solves a foreign policy crisis, it’ll be one in a row.
Russia’s government reacted to U.S. economic sanctions over the Ukraine incursion by requiring all McDonald’s restaurants to advertise the calorie count of every item on the wall menu in every McDonald’s restaurant in Russia. It gets even worse. They’re also forcing Cinnabon to post its death toll.
Google officials in California admitted Monday that a dozen of its self-driving automobiles have been involved in car accidents while they’ve been test-driving on the streets in the last six years. They stressed they were minor accidents. In every instance, the car was googling something when it crashed.
Boston Univeristy African-American Studies professor Saida Grundy was accused of racism for tweeting that white men are the problem population in America. The accusation of racism carries no precise definition. It’s generally agreed that you might be a racist if all your favorite Nazis are white.
The Washington Times reported IRS workers last year spent hours daily watching porn on their office computers. It’s an exchange program. The only difference between working for the IRS and working in porn is that in porn, when you get up in the morning you are already dressed for work.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com