HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The George W. Bush Presidential Library opened at Southern Methodist University in Dallas on Thursday. It’s a fitting tribute to all he got done as president. The library promises to be a repository of the world’s largest collection of books about brush-clearing.
The Bible mini-series that aired on the History Channel will be re-edited into a three-hour movie and released. Theater owners are wary about booking it. They’re afraid that one guy will buy popcorn and suddenly there’ll be enough for everyone in the theater.
The Mississippi River overflowed its banks Monday, prompting an emergency visit to the inundated bottom land by governors, U.S. senators and members of Congress. It was a clear demonstration of nature’s cycle. Snakes are always the first to turn up after a flood.
Milton Berle’s joke file will be auctioned, comprising 10’s of thousands of jokes on three-by-five cards. He compiled them for 80 years. Bill Clinton just bid a million dollars for all the farmer’s daughter jokes just to keep Hillary from finding out about them.
New York’s Anthony Weiner said there may be more sex texts and intimate photos of himself out there that he sent to women admirers. It’s a new world. Anthony Weiner is the first politician ever to launch a major political campaign on a promise of lewd conduct.
Lance Armstrong was cited by the Justice Department Tuesday for lying and cheating to get millions from Postal Service sponsorship. What gall. They found out he received shipments of performance-enhancing drugs and every single shipment arrived via FedEx.
Secretary of State John Kerry called for a special relationship with China Wednesday like our special relationship with Great Britain and with Israel. What’s this? It goes against type for a guy from Massachusetts to have a weakness for countries with slave labor.
Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaav’s friends said Tuesday he became radicalized after he turned to Islam and stopped smoking pot. Reaction was swift. The CIA has determined that the best way to fight radical Islam is to replace the missiles on our drones with marijuana cookies.
Los Angeles was rated the most traffic-congested city in America Wednesday. It had to happen. Ever since the city council pased an ordinance saying you can use your cell phone as long you can dial it with your feet, people are either in their cars or at a yoga class.
A House investigation on Benghazi Tuesday found Hillary Clinton failed to protect the Libyan consulate from the attack. It also says President Obama lied to cover up the negligence. The siege lasted for seven hours or, as the president calls it, 36 holes.    
The FAA furloughed 10 percent of air traffic controllers Monday causing huge flight delays which they blamed on the GOP Congress. The president’s plan to inconvenience travelers and blame it on the Republicans is bound to fail. Republicans fly in private planes.
Elvis impersonator and libertarian Paul Kevin Curtis was released from jail in Mississippi Tuesday when it became obvious he didn’t mail any poisonous ricin to the president. Because there was no evidence of wrongdoing he was freed by due process of law under the U.S.
Constitution. If this catches on it could destroy the president’s drone program.
The CIA put together a psychological profile of North Korea’s Kim Jung Un who’s been threatening a missile attack on L.A. The profile says he’s a narcissist who’s obsessed with Hollywood, the NBA and plastic surgery. We could avert a nuclear war by offering him a courtside seat at all Laker games and a recurring role on Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.