HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The George Washington Presidential Library opened at Mount Vernon Friday full of his books and letters. He’s more appreciated today than ever. George Washington is the only president in U.S. history who didn’t blame his troubles on the previous administration.
Bill O’Reilly went on CBS’s 60 Minutes to publicize his new book, “Killing Jesus.” Reviews were predictable. Nobody’s even read it yet, and already the Republicans love “Killing Jesus” and the Democrats say Bill O’Reilly should be arrested for threatening the president.
President Obama announced Friday he spoke with Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani to negotiate a peaceful nuclear deal. We agreed to negotiations grudgingly. If the U.S. government shuts down Tuesday, there may be a freeze on all new wars in the Middle East.
The U.S. faced a government shutdown over Congress’ refusal to fund ObamaCare and the president’s refusal to negotiate. It left Americans asking three questions. Who will inspect the chickens, who will direct air traffic, and who will put us $16 trillion in debt?
The U.S. Senate held hearings Thursday on ways to curtail the NSA. They’re really out of hand. Last week in a restaurant a little boy told President Obama that his daddy told him that the NSA spies on their family online, and Obama told the boy that’s not his daddy.
Newark mayor and New Jersey U.S. Senate hopeful Corey Booker was caught tweeting with a stripper who performs in Oregon Friday. They’re a perfect match. He represents a working-class state and the last thing an Oregon stripper takes off are her bowling shoes.
California park rangers found three hundred tons of pot growing in a forest guarded by bears. Now it all makes sense. Bears sleep three months a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash looking for food, and their leader’s name is Smokey.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell proposed a plan to implement blood tests for NFL players to test them for Human Growth Hormone. The players will never agree to it. NFL players think there’s a time and place for blood tests, and that’s at their murder trials.
O.J. Simpson was caught stealing oatmeal cookies from the prison cafeteria, which runs up his tab to double-murder, armed robbery, and now cookie theft. He’s now three hundred pounds. Last night O.J. Simpson asked for the death penalty, just for the last meal.
N.Y. Yankee fans gave reliever Mariano Rivera a standing ovation Thursday in his last appearance. There’ll be other goodbyes this fall.
George Steinbrenner left his son Hank a special trophy case in his office to hold the head of the first manager to miss the playoffs.
Apple reported selling nine million new iPhone Fives Thursday. It’s become a basic human skill. A recent survey showed twenty-five percent of toddlers in America know how to work an iPad, and one hundred percent of toddlers in China know how to make one.
A Vatican cardinal said Jesus is the original Tweeter in that his messages were brief and full of meaning. It wasn’t easy. No one wants to say the Roman Empire was rough, but Jesus tweeted for everyone to love one other and all he could attract was 12 followers.
President Obama talked on the phone with Iran president Hassan Rouhani Friday. It was the first time that a U.S. and Iranian leader had spoken since Jimmy Carter met with the Shah of Iran in 1978. That’s when Jimmy Carter told the Shah he was welcome to fly to the U.S. and get medical treatment in a New York hospital, what could possibly go wrong?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.