Happy Wednesday, everybody, and God bless America.
The White House press secretary admitted Monday that US troops were on the ground in the Middle East in an advisory capacity. They’re always going to world trouble spots. Last week, president Obama sent 400 U.S. troops to Iraq and 500 troops to the NFL.
Southern California boiled in record-high temperatures as desert winds mixed with high humidity from a Baja hurricane. The misery index is just off the charts. It was so hot in Los Angeles Monday that Ray Rice was caught on camera beating up the Channel Two weather girl.
Ray Rice said Friday he told the NFL commissioner he and his wife had been drinking the night he knocked her out. He said he saw her lying on the elevator floor and he didn’t know what to do. Then suddenly he remembered that McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
The Minnesota Vikings reinstated Adrian Peterson following Sunday’s benching for child abuse charges back in Texas. It capped a nightmare week for the league. Roger Goodell is writing a new welcome packet for NFL rookies that just says avoid cameras, relationships and children.
Hillary Clinton told Democrats at the Iowa steak fry she’s thinking about running for president. The suspense is killing everybody. Hillary Clinton is thinking about running for president the same way my dog’s thinking about eating the bacon I’m holding up in front of him.
The White House acknowledged Monday that the U.S. is at war with the Islamic State. Just last week President Obama laid out his plan to degrade, to defund and destroy ISIS. He’s going to build their website, and he is promising that if you like your head, you get to keep your head.
John Kerry said Sunday the U.S. is at war with ISIS after saying all day Saturday it wasn’t a war. It doesn’t have to be called a war. Hollywood advised the president it call it a re-take, and to assure Americans that it’s the sixth or seventh Iraq war that will probably be the keeper.
John Kerry flew to Paris to try to line up Muslim countries to join the U.S. coalition to fight ISIS. We need someone more persuasive on the world stage. John Kerry can’t even get the International House of Pancakes to take pork off the menu to show that we’re all in this together.
Texas sheriffs in Midland County reported Friday finding copies of the Koran and Muslim clothing on trails at the U.S.-Mexico border. It’d be hard to pin any suicide bombings on ISIS now. With the Texas Longhorns losing their first two games of the season, it could be anybody.
The White House was reported Monday planning to bomb ISIS oil tanker trucks in Iraq as they deliver oil to the black market. This ensures bipartisan support for the war. You have to bomb the terrorists to please Republicans and you have to bomb the oil to please the Democrats.
Scottish voters will decide this week on whether Scotland will stay in the United Kingdom or secede. Historians are reminding the Scots that ethnic strife and rioting tend to break out when a country leaves Great Britain. It’s no coincidence that Ferguson is a great Scottish name.
Bill O’Reilly’s “Killing Patton” is out about the general’s mysterious death by car crash after World War II. He’s also written “Killing Lincoln” and “Killing Kennedy.” Bill’s been an author for only six years and he’s already killed more presidents than Lee Harvey Oswald and pneumonia.
President Obama was reportedly set Monday to announce a plan to battle the spread of Ebola. The fear is it will mutate and become airborne. We should all relax because every American infected by the Ebola virus is being treated in a government-run facility, like the DMV.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.