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Congress? We dont need no stinkin Congress
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BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bill Clinton’s mistress Gennifer Flowers discussed their affair Friday. Her only proof was his recorded messages on her telephone answering machine. Today, hardly a day goes that Baby Boomers don’t thank God that there were no cell phone cameras in the Eighties.
Bashar al-Assad in an interview Wednesday invited members of Congress to Syria to inspect his chemical wepaons removal. How stupid is Assad? If you think Obama had enough incentive to bomb Syria before, just imagine if House Republicans were over there.
Breaking Bad is the sentimental favorite to capture an Emmy Sunday. It’s had a huge impact on the entertainment industry. Thanks to Breaking Bad, every time it hails in Malibu, people run outside all happy and giddy because they think it’s raining crystal meth.
Pope Francis urged new bishops meeting in Rome Friday to be open and welcoming to all. The pope leads by example. He’s begun cold-calling Catholics who’d written him and he offers them faith and healing and the lowest mortgage rates you can find anywhere.
New Zealand’s yachting team outsailed the Emirates yachting team in San Francisco Bay Thursday and neared winning the America’s Cup. It’s galling to locals. If it were up to the Democrats, the America’s Cup would start a half-mile upstream from Niagara Falls.
GOP former House Leader Tom Delay’s conviction three years ago was overturned by the Texas appeals court Thursday. It wasn’t sex or drugs. Tom Delay was in trouble for accumulating too much money, or as Republicans call it, a return to traditional values.
Apple released its new operating system Wednesday along with 40 pages of user terms and conditions. The warning is politically correct. They say if your iPhone is black and you make Siri do tasks for you, then you’re pretty much saying slavery was OK.
North Korea’s Kim Jun Un announced he’s ready for nuclear disarmament talks with the U.S. It’s a new low. Syria was bad enough for America’s image, but how bad does it look when the only person who can protect you from nuclear attack is Dennis Rodman?
French president Francois Hollande declared victory over al-Qaeda fighters in Africa Thursday after France’s army routed them in Mali. It’s their first win in two centuries. Nobody knows how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris because it’s never been tried.
Washington, D.C., implemented a program that pays residents $12,000 if they will move close to their place of business. The program is already a hit. In fact just yesterday, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across the street from Congress.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was on Capitol Hill Thursday lobbying Republicans to support immigration reform. The guy means well. Facebook’s home page states that Facebook is now available in 57 languages, so now everyone in California can use it.
The White House vowed to veto a House bill to raise the debt ceiling but also defund ObamaCare. It could cause a government shutdown. Both the House and the Senate are pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they’ll get nothing done.
House Republicans passed a budget resolution Thursday with an added amendment that defunds ObamaCare. To avoid a shutdown they’ll fund the government for two weeks at a time. The U.S. Congress that was designed by James Madison and descended from the House of Commons and Lords now has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at