HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Kanye West flipped out on the Today Show Wednesday when Matt Lauer asked him if he was sorry he called George W. Bush a racist during Katrina. Later that day Bush told Matt Lauer he has no hard feelings toward Conway West. Rap stars might hesitate to attack Episcopalians if we accidentally give them country-western names when we forgive them.   
Sarah Palin’s Alaska debuted on TLC Sunday showing Sarah and her family enjoying the wild. They spend the next show packing powdered eggs, canned goods, dried beef, bottled water and a week’s supply of toilet paper. They’re preparing to go on a Carnival Cruise.   
Carnival Cruise ship Splendor was tugged into San Diego Thursday after getting stranded off the coast of Mexico for days. Passengers said the smell of backed up sewage, spoiled food and rotten milk was terrible. It was like being ashore in Mexico.
The TSA was ordered Monday to grope women at airport security gates if they refused the nude body scan.
It’s now legal for federal workers to grope you if they can’t see you naked.
It sounds like an idea right out of Bill Clinton’s I Have a Dream speech.   
House Speaker-in-waiting John Boehner said Friday that House Republicans will take a pledge to add no earmarks to bills. It’s all one day at a time. Mike Tyson once promised to add no more earmarks to Evander Holyfield and so far he’s got thirteen years clean.
Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski appeared to be getting enough write-in votes to win re-election Friday. She was able to get ninety thousand frontiersmen to correctly and neatly spell Murkowski. There was a time when a feat like that would get you three pages in the Old Testament.   
President Obama admitted he hit no home runs at the Group of Twenty summit Friday. He had a diminished role. If the world stage were the Nativity Scene, President Obama would be a cow sitting sidestage reminding the other cows that he was Jesus last year.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal ripped President Obama in a new book for being obsessed with his own image during the oil spill. The voters noticed. The day after the mid-term elections, volunteers spent all day on the beaches cleaning the oil off the Democrats.
Senator Harry Reid made plans Thursday to try to pass an illegal alien amnesty bill during the lame duck session. He owes them his job.
Just for Harry Reid to get re-elected last week, his name had to be printed on the Nevada state ballot as Anglo Salvador.
The Supreme Court let the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy on gays in the military remain intact Friday pending appeals. They make great soldiers in Afghanistan. The Army helicopters used to play Wagner music over their PA systems during an attack to scatter the Taliban, now they play The Lullaby of Broadway and the enemy sways while they run.
China refused to boost its currency Friday for the sake of U.S.
exports. When China was communist they wanted to destroy America and now that they’re capitalist they want to own America. If Ronald Reagan had known how winning the Cold war was going to turn out, he would have stood in Berlin Square and urged Mr. Gorbachev to reinforce that wall.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)