While using social media to research this Father’s Day column, I came across two types of people.
Many folks chuckled with recognition when a tweet or blog listed phrases and behavior that seem almost universally associated with dads.
I also encountered a lot of people who are FED UP with stereotypical Father’s Day jokes and greeting cards.
They denounced the enduring image that the typical father is a sexist bumbler who lives for the recliner, beer, naps and socks-with-sandals.
It’s good that we fathers have evolved, pitched in with more household tasks and become more sensitive.
But in my opinion, some fathers have gone way overboard. You’ll know who I’m talking about if you hear phrases such as:
1. “Stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry ABOUT. It’s a DVD of ‘Steel Magnolias.’ Wait...I do an interpretive dance to go with it.”
2. “No! I didn’t say to pull my finger! I said to pull down those bath salts and incense from the top shelf.”
3. “So, you have a playdate at the purple house directly across the street? We’d better stop and ask directions.”
4. “As long as you’re living under my roof and putting your feet under my table, you’ll live according to QUIDDITCH rules!”
5. “Listen, Romeo – if you pull up to the curb and honk for my daughter one more time, you’d better be prepared to help me calm down the butterflies whose migratory path you’ve been disrupting.”
6. “Don’t ask MY digital assistant. Ask your MOTHER’S digital assistant.”
7. “They’re free-range and they’re organic, so it’s okay if THESE bedbugs bite. And get rid of your xenophobic notions about the monsters living under your bed.”
8. “If all your friends jumped off a bridge...could you bring me some of their belongings they left behind, so I can make a scrapbook of them?”
9. “Remember, we value Momma’s financial contribution to this family; but if she brings home the bacon and tries to fry it up in the pan, never ever let her forget that we have soy-based patties we could be cooking instead.”
10. “So, we’re out of beer. Big deal. The only fluid I care about is the fluidity of your gender.”
11. “I know I said you would always be my princess, but then I realized that princesses aren’t indigenous to the United States, so it would be CULTURAL APPROPRIATION to call you that. How about, you’ll always be my lower middle-class youngest child?”
12. “You’re sneaking in two hours after your curfew. Tell me the truth: do these worry lines make me look FAT?”
13. “So, the bully keeps beating you up for your lunch money? Time to learn some self-defense. Son, you’re about to learn the manly art of...paying for your lunch with Bitcoin.”
14. “Your sick puppy that I told you went to romp on a farm? That was fake news. I realized the farm story would taint her with an image of crowded cages, waste runoff into creeks and overuse of antibiotics. So, we had Pokey euthanized.”
15. “It’s Monday night. In the words of my idol Hank Williams, Jr., ‘Are you ready for some shoe shopping???”
Ah, go ahead and open the door to new ideas. And leave the door open to cool the whole neighborhood. Because Dumbledore would have wanted it that way.
Danny welcomes email responses at firstname.lastname@example.org and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”