HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hillary Clinton will be given the Helen Keller Humanitarian Award in New York next week. She did great things despite being blind and deaf. Somehow you knew Hillary Clinton would come up with a fool-proof defense for missing the Benghazi terrorist attacks.
Al Gore was reported Monday to have two hundred million in the bank after he sold Current TV. He’s now as rich as Mitt Romney. Forget Asian Tiger mom techniques, the best way to raise kids to be successful in life is to make them boring, white and unelectable.
President Obama gave the commencement address at Ohio State on Sunday. He told the college seniors that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It’s believed to be the earliest a president’s ever thrown in the towel after winning re-election.
Dr. Drew Pinsky pulled his Celebrity Rehab reality show off the air Monday after the fifth celebrity relapsed and died. The doctor is being too hard on himself. Not one of the five celebrities has touched a drink or a drug since completing his treatment program.
Las Vegas casinos banned Google Glasses to prevent card cheating on Monday. These glasses could allow a poker player to have a spy in the room who could tip you off without ever moving his lips. It could put every ventriloquist in Las Vegas out of business.
Tim Tebow was named the most influential athlete Tuesday in a survey published by Forbes. It’s easy for ad men to explain. Tim Tebow combines the excitement of wildly unpredictable quarterback skills with the popularity of Jesus and unemployment benefits.
Pfizer announced it’ll sell Viagra directly to patients on its company website Monday and send the pills to men via overnight mail. It’s big news. The U.S. Postal Service just announced they are projecting their budget will be in the black for the first time in forty years.   Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma accused President Obama of buying up the nation’s bullets in order to to limit gun rights. He’s not the only one who senses it. Already street gangs in Chicago are training themselves to be able to throw knives like circus performers.
Senator Saxby Chabliss scored a hole in one to win the match for the GOP and defeat President Obama and his Democratic partner Mark Warner. It won’t go unanswered. The president is reportedly so upset he ordered Homeland Security to buy up all the golf balls.
Dan Rather was on an NBC talk show Sunday. He said that President Obama’s critics want to cut his heart out and throw his liver to the dogs. It sounds like he’s been interviewing rival tribes in Kenya for a new documentary that he’s hoping to sell to Nat Geo.
New Jersey’s GOP Governor Chris Christie underwent lap band surgery Monday. The timing is no accident. Prince Harry is going to be his guest in New Jersey this week and when everybody starts partying, he wants to look his best in the naked cell phone pictures.
The NRA Convention in Houston had booths that offered convention-goers products like Zombie Targets which are life-sized shooting targets that bleed. The zombies come in terrorist, Nazi and space alien. Real space aliens were surprised that just by occupying Governor Jerry Brown’s body for forty years they’ve managed to engender this much anger.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.