HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Moammar Khadaffi sent his son to London Tuesday to offer a peace deal to Libya’s rebels promising sweeping changes and electoral reform.
Democracy wouldn’t last long in that country.
If Moammar Khadaffi has an election that lasts longer than four hours, he calls a doctor.
Prince William raised eyebrows Monday when he revealed he won’t wear a wedding ring after he and Kate get married.
What an idiot.
Does he really think he’s ever going to be out with his friends and a woman in a bar won’t realize that the King of England’s hitting on her?
President Obama announced Monday he’s running for re-election, in a year when he has maintained tax cuts for wealthy Americans, bailed out Wall Street, kept Guantanamo open and bombed Libya.
Now both parties think his presidency is unconstitutional.
Republicans think he was born outside the U.S. and Democrats think he is Bush’s third term.
The White House met with GOP House leaders Tuesday in an effort to reach a budget compromise that would avoid a shutdown.
There’s no public outcry.
A shutdown would get rid of non-essential government services, which was the public’s point in the first place.
India risked a trade war Tuesday by banning the import of all Japanese fish to India due to the radiation. It hurts workers in both countries.
Japan retaliated by announcing they will build all their computers so perfectly there will never be any need for tech support.
BP asked the U.S. for permission to drill for oil in the Gulf of Mexico nine months after the spill.
BP’s timing is pretty good.
Americans are just thrilled that we can get oil out of the Gulf of Mexico without having to establish democracy in the fish kingdom.
NASA’s Space Station barely avoided being hit by orbiting metal junk from old satellites Tuesday.
Mission Control says there are loose scraps of metal flying around the earth at fourteen thousand miles an hour.
Southwest Airlines flies too high and too fast.
Daily Variety reported Tuesday that Lindsay Lohan will be auditioning for a starring role as the villain in the next Superman movie.
She’d play an evil power-mad vixen who’s a combination of Darth Vader, Lex Luthor and the Joker.
She thinks it will improve her image.
Charlie Sheen arrived in New York today for this weekend’s two shows at Radio City Music Hall. He’s had better weeks.
The reviews from the first show were so bad that scalpers are offering one hundred dollars to anybody who will take a ticket off their hands.
The Masters gets underway at Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia today.
There could be a government shutdown on Friday but it won’t affect the tournament.
Georgians have been waiting for 150 years for the federal government to quit and get out.
L.A. Dodgers fans demanded an end to Mexican gang presence in Dodger Stadium after gang members beat up a Giants fan in the parking lot.
It’s been crazy.
By the seventh inning the mezzanine section is so wired on cocaine and alcohol they are rooting for the Raiders.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)