The nation’s 70 million fathers vary widely in age, ethnicity, income, talents and parenting style; but they all have one thing in common: they’re not prepared for the random Father’s Day thoughts I’m about to unleash:
1. A recent Reuters news item about parthenogenesis has me worried about the future of fatherhood. Scientists in Florida reported a “virgin birth” in which critically endangered smalltooth sawfish females reproduced without mating. So, not only does nature abhor a vacuum, but apparently it isn’t too wild about dirty socks and ESPN, either.
2. I guess the fact that my late father was a bookworm lulled me into a false sense of security. When he would growl the stereotypical “Stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry ABOUT,” I was thinking, “Oh, boy -- maybe a hardcover of Steinbeck’s ‘Of Mice And Men’”; but it always wound up being just another butt whuppin’.
3. Remember the simpler, low-tech times when dad could grudgingly drop a quarter into the family “swear jar”? Now it’s a vicious cycle of “What do you mean this %$#@ thing won’t accept PayPal? &^%$ D’oh! Here I go again!”
4. Nowadays it’s not surprising for a father to confess to his child, “Suzy honey, I hope you’re old enough to process all this, but I’ve never really felt like a father. I feel more like a brother-in-law trapped in a father’s body. So I’ll need to crash on your beanbag chair and borrow all the money in your piggy bank until I get my next big gig.”
5. Dads, be authority figures and not your child’s best friend. Because being the one friend who always needs arch supports, Ben-Gay, cholesterol pills and a large-print fake i.d. is even more troublesome than being Eddie Haskell.
6. I know the slang has been around for decades, but I hate hate hate uses of “daddy” for relationships other than the sweet bond between a father and children. When you get into “sugar daddy” territory, all I can imagine is some roving Romeo telling a woman, “Let’s go paint the town red and maybe produce some inbred offspring.”
7. You know the routine: dad avoids the kitchen all winter and suddenly a grill makes him a culinary wizard. (“Hey,a bag of charcoal! I think I’ll try neurosurgery next!”)
8. Did you ever think part of the trouble between Cain and Abel was squabbling over the severely limited supply of “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs?
9. A father wears many hats - but sometimes the one that dispenses beer is the only one that gets noticed.
10. Necessity is definitely the mother of invention, but the father is still disputing the DNA tests.
11. How times have changed! Youngsters used to pretend to shave. Now fathers pretend to grow a beard!
12. Wasn’t it Robert Frost who said, “Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to let you fix dad’s password - again”?
13. Dads who like “Star Trek” are really cool, whether their philosophy is more Klingon (“Indeed, it is a good day to nap”) or Vulcan (“Live long and fight the inheritance tax when I croak.”)
14. Finally, and most importantly, don’t wait 20 or 30 years to take to heart the things “My daddy always said.” (“My daddy always said, ‘Don’t...stand...on...my...oxygen...tube.’ Wish I knew then what I know now.”)
Danny welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades”