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Gas prices = we are all gonna die
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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil hit $106 per barrel on Monday, sending gas prices and food prices through the roof.
The cost of living is about to skyrocket with no end in sight.
Economists say those hit hardest should consider dying.
President Obama released a million acres of Gulf of Mexico waters to offshore drilling Tuesday.
That should help drivers quickly.
Gas prices hit an all-time low during the oil spill when you could drive through Popeye’s shrimp and throw them directly in your tank.
“The American Experience” on PBS examined Bill Clinton’s and Jack Kennedy’s sexual behavior in office.
It’s no surprise.
Now that Baby Boomers form the PBS donor base, pledge week offers partial nudity and educational shows on do-it-yourself plastic surgery.
Las Vegas casino owner Shelly Adelson vowed Tuesday to donate $100 million to a PAC to get Newt Gingrich elected.
He doesn’t care how badly Newt’s trailing in the polls. When his casino customers gamble like this he sends a private plane for them.   
Gingrich ripped Obama Tuesday for never calling America’s enemies radical Islamists.
Each party fights terrorism in its own way.
The president is a Democrat, and he likes to kill terrorists one at a time with drones rather than bomb them all at once like the Republicans would, and then be responsible for all the post-war layoffs.   
Iran was named America’s top enemy by 32 percent in the Gallup Poll.
That’s not something that can be decided with some Gallup poll. We need to hold tryouts for America’s Greatest Enemies and rely on Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul to decide for us.
Greece agreed to a $172 billion bailout Tuesday with the EU and bankers in Hamburg and Berlin.
The country will have to endure severe social belt tightening, fiscal order, and German supervision.
Eventually even continents revert to type.
Whitney Houston’s dress and earrings that she wore in “The Bodyguard” were auctioned in Hollywood Tuesday.
There’s a lesson for everyone in show business.
If you don’t want your wardrobe sold the day you die never give your clothes to your coke dealer as security.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at