A hearty congratulations to conservatives for a seamless transition from party-wide disgust to near unanimous endorsement of a gorilla as their presidential nominee. Considering the tortuous undulations required, this metamorphosis seems to have occurred with shockingly few chiropractic adjustments.
Having indulged in the kind of convoluted contortions that would make a carnival sideshow barker fall madly in love, the convention platform committee might want to propose a change in mascots from the elephant to an eel. One can only hope that our U.S. Women’s Gymnastics team shows up in Rio half this limber.
It was the manner in which they accomplished their harmonious synchronicity that was inspiring. From abhorrent cringing to thoroughly immersed in about a week. Shifting straight out of “Got nothing for you,” into “Color us all-in.” Such severe 180-degree turns were executed, higher-ups would be well advised to check for whiplash.
Let’s imagine how naturally the conversion to inter-species inclusion was achieved:
Yes, we are aware that the choice of a gorilla as a presidential candidate signals a departure from our traditional direction of trudging forward without haste, but our constituents believe this is a game changer. And if they’re game, so are we.
Like many others, we too were initially inclined to speak out against the gorilla but now recognize that a modern electorate demands new perspectives, and have come to the conclusion that there is no reason why our big tent strategy can’t include a striped circus tent.
We’re confident we have a mammal that embodies the values of our party and those he doesn’t, can be easily taught or beaten into him. Although the gorilla’s hygiene habits are problematic, along with speaking through a series of guttural grunts and chest thumping howls, it has become increasingly apparent that his anti-intellectualism reflects the mood of the country today and besides, an 800 pound gorilla sleeps wherever he wants. And he has plenty of bananas.
Frankly we were won over by his cogent arguments and ability to knock dinner plate-sized holes in walls with his fists. And yes, we party leaders may have called it a dangerous precedent when he tore the limbs off primary competitors. But in light of his streak of victories, we look forward to him doing the same to the opposition party candidate.
Though still prone to throw feces at both the media and other conservatives, he has indicated through a series of gestures interpreted by top wildlife experts as a willingness to change and we believe the sense of strength he projects and interest in his mating rituals more than make up for a little mayhem.
Notwithstanding the differences we’ve had in the past, the gorilla is our nominee, and it’s high time this party comes together to support this large primate. It is also encouraging that our excellent slate of down-ticket candidates have shown an enthusiasm for sharing a stage with the nominee and grooming each other.
We’ve had plenty of statesmen in our illustrious past, now it’s time to try an ape. And should this contest not proceed in our favor, for 2020 we’re keeping our eye on a very attractive group of potential aspirants that include 3 rattlesnakes, a rabid musk ox and a whole herd of poisonous bump- nosed lizards.”
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager