HOLLYWOOD — Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, and God Bless America.
Thanksgiving allows families across America to reunite on Thursday.
Thank God for football.
When you consider what can happen when relatives drink wine within reach of a carving knife, you realize the Dallas Cowboys game has saved more lives than penicillin.
New England will stage re-creations of the first Thanksgiving in Massachusetts today with Pilgrim and Indian re-enactors.
The Pilgrims were English Puritans and practiced stern Calvinism.
Calvinists think that life is like a box of chocolates, and you can’t have any.
Thanksgiving was named a national holiday by FDR nearly 80 years ago.
Til then Cavalier-descended Southerners considered Thanksgiving a Puritan Yankee holiday.
Cavaliers believe that early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy — but socially dead.
President Obama performed the annual presidential ritual of pardoning a turkey at the White House Wednesday.
There were a few tense moments with the turkey.
It took two paramedics and a physical therapist to lift Robert Wagner onto the table in the Rose Garden.
The U.S. Border Patrol reported huge success Monday hiring Indians to track Mexican drug smugglers on foot in Arizona.
It’s a breeze.
The Indians catch all the drug smugglers, give them a free room, and within a day they’ve lost the drug money at the blackjack tables.
Delta Airlines reports one of its pilots got locked inside one of the bathrooms on the plane last week.
It caused a security alert when he had trouble getting out.
We need to find this bathroom and make sure that the terrorists are seated in it for the entire flight.
Harry Reid said Monday he and Chris Dodd visited Ted Kennedy’s grave at Arlington.
He said he recited a poem while Chris Dodd poured single-malt whiskey on the grave.
It is the only plot of land in Virginia that’s gone up in value since Obama became president.
Florida police were called to a middle school Tuesday after a girl kissed a boy during gym class.
The school principal declared it a sex crime.
The schools are determined to teach kids that sex is something precious and special between a boy and an assistant coach.   
Delaware agreed to allow a neo-Nazi group to participate in the state Adopt-a-Highway program Tuesday.
Already it’s causing car wrecks on the road.
The front hood of every German car pops open when it passes by the sign and the driver can’t see where he’s going.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)