HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Washington Post reported Monday that President Obama has begun brewing his own honey-ale beer at the White House. He’s trying to save the taxpayers some money.
The cost of catering a beer summit every time he ticked someone off was breaking the budget.
The Chicago Tribune ran an editorial calling for Obama to step aside and not run for re-election, and let Hillary Clinton run.
Both parties want her.
Republicans miss the days when you could call the president a communist and not really mean it.
The U.N. General Assembly convened Wednesday with world leaders arriving in New York to attend the opening sessions. It’s a mad scramble.
The latest peace proposal has statehood going to the Palestinians with Texas and Oklahoma going to the Pac Twelve.
Obama’s speech calling for tax hikes Monday sank the stock market two hundred points.
His speech to Congress sank the Dow 200 points.
He could save the Pentagon lots of money if he’d start giving speeches about reforming the Chinese Navy.
Obama arrived in New York for the U.N. opening Tuesday with Palestinians demanding cash.
They have a $900 million deficit, an endless war and a failed economy.
Maybe it was a mistake to set them up with an American-style democracy.
The U.S. military started taking applications from openly gay recruits Tuesday, officially ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Tensions are unavoidable.
No violence in the barracks is expected until next week when “Dancing with the Stars” is up against “Monday Night Football.”
The UAW reached a deal with GM Monday giving autoworkers a five thousand dollar signing bonus.
Robots are being made in Utah that could someday perform the work of the auto workers.
All the Democrats face being replaced by Mormons for efficiency’s sake.   
Charlie Sheen’s character died owing his dealer two hundred grand Monday on Two and a Half Men. That’s the difference between an L.A. bank and an L.A. drug dealer.
The dealers aren’t sitting on mountains of coke, they are out there in the community loaning it.
NASA reported that a six-ton U.S. satellite will fall and crash to the earth on Friday.
It could just fall from the sky and kill anyone in the country without warning.
Wherever it lands, the White House will send out a statement saying we killed another terrorist leader.  
Sea World in Orlando faced work safety charges Monday over the accidental death of a female trainer by a killer whale last year. The whale is long gone.
He’s in a tank next to a cashier’s cage in a Las Vegas hotel and they feed him magicians who don’t sell out.
New York cheered the replica 17th-century ship Half Moon as it sailed up the Hudson on the 400th anniversary of Henry Hudson’s voyage. He was looking for a waterway to India.
England was trying to reach tech support after the abacus froze up.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)