HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Walt Disney Company announced Friday Disneyland will sign up for ObamaCare for all park employees. How nice. At last Sleepy can get Adderal, Sneezy can get Claritin, Grumpy can get some Prozac, and Snow White can drop the act and get some birth control.
Cincinnati Reds skipper Dusty Baker blamed his firing Friday on President Obama’s low job approval. Neither did well with millionaires.
Every time Dusty Baker asked his players to lay down a sacrifice they’d quote Ayn Rand right back at him and swing away.
The Economist reported that $25 million in cash is being smuggled out of Pakistan every day. Only 1 percent of Pakistanis bother to pay any income taxes. The worst part is, America’s government is shut down while Pakistan’s is up and running.
President Obama met with Wall Street CEOs Thursday and warned them they should worry about a government shutdown. They are. Wall Street’s biggest concern is that the value of a politician will drop so low that ordinary citizens will be able to buy them too.
The U.S. government shutdown cancelled a Ku Klux Klan rally at Gettysburg National Battlefield Park this weekend. All parks were closed. The cancellation was bad news for the Ku Klux Klan, but it was really good news for the black and brown bears in the park.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Friday she plans to push passage of a bill granting a pathway to citizenship for illegal immigrants. She sounds a little out of touch. Illegal immigrants already have a pathway to citizenship, it’s called the San Diego Freeway.
Russian president Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize by a Russian studies group. He has well-recognized psychic powers. Vladimir Putin can tell which political opponent’s going to commit suicide a week from now just by picking up the phone.
The Oakland A’s host the Detroit Tigers in the playoffs at Oakland Coliseum. Three times this year fans evacuated when the sewage pipes backed up and burst. The team makes extra money by letting Carnival Cruise Lines stage practice drills between innings L.A. Dodgers rookie Yasiel Puig electrified baseball fans in the playoffs Thursday. He was reportedly smuggled out of Cuba last year by Mexican drug lords, allowing him to sign with Los Angeles. The drug lords saw it as their way of giving back to the community.
The White House hired Canadian firm CGI to run the glitch-ridden launch of ObamaCare. CGI charged $55 million for their computer services. Leave it to Barack Obama to mark the 200th anniversary of Canada burning the White House by re-creating the event.
John Kerry flew to Jakarta to attend the Southeast Asia summit Friday. It’s a diverse group. Indonesians are Moslems, Australians are Christians and the Thais are Buddhists while the Vietnamese wear a little cannon around their neck with Jane Fonda sitting on it.
The Navy Department fired Captain Daniel Dusek for taking bribes from U.S. vendors in foreign ports to steer his ship to their ports. They paid him with prostitutes. The captain was unemployed two hours when the Secret Service hired him as an event planner.
The Capitol Police trapped a disturbed driver who rammed a White House gate and sped her car toward the Capitol. She was headed off there and killed. The good news is the Redskins pass defense has been awful this year and they’ve been looking everywhere for a shut-down corner, and they finally found one at the corner of Pennsylvania and Jefferson.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.