We’ve spent such a large portion of the past year cringing at the prospect of potential disasters crouching behind every bush: ISIS, Putin, Trump, Belicheck, lion-killing dentists, that a national holiday right about now is a blessed respite. For one 24-hour period, the whole country can focus on something benign. Unless, you’re a Black Friday shopper. But those are self-inflicted injuries.
It helps that Thanksgiving is the absolute best holiday of them all. I love its clarity. No loud noises or waving of the flag or hiding under religious robes. It’s purely about getting together with loved ones and giving thanks (with a little gluttony thrown in on the side).
We’re talking food, friends, family and football. four of the five Fs. So allow me to pay tribute to the proud perspicacity of the plucky pilgrims in this pacific paean to our peculiar propensity for plumpish poultry on the 4th Thursday of November.
Just one of the little things that makes life worth living. And here’s a list of other oddities that make this middle-aged round- headed political comic dance the Thankful Boogaloo.
Donald Trump, who wants to run the country like a business which is worrisome, because he looks like the kind of guy who would burn it down for the insurance.
Bill Clinton, who is probably commissioning a whole series of “First Dude” sashes.
Carly Fiorina, who was such a bad CEO at Hewlett Packard, they’re still laying people off 10 years after she left.
Dr. Ben Carson, for being as clueless as Sherlock Holmes after a Romulan memory wipe.
Chris Christie for single handedly disproving that whole “too big to fail” theory.
Bernie Sanders, who has elevated the art of New England Curmudgeon to where his website should be heyyoupunksgetoffmylawn.com.
Jeb Bush, whose presidential prospects rest entirely on how many voters he can convince that he was adopted. JEB!
The conservative immigration hard-liners who refuse to accept any refugees because “those people should have picked a better place to be born.”
Marco Rubio, who voted against a bill that he co-sponsored, so it looks like he’s getting the hang of this whole leadership thing.
Ted Cruz, who compared himself to Galileo, who died under house arrest. Be interesting to see if the analogy stays true.
Hillary Clinton, for pretending to be a 68 year-old grandma befuddled by her email. “Where do I put the stamp?” When we all know in her spare time she writes encrypted codes for NSA drones to skirt no-fly zones.
Pat Robertson, who called the Republican presidential field too extreme. That’s like having your drug intervention hosted by Charley Sheen.
The 22nd Amendment to the United States Constitution, which, since 1947, has kept the American public from making the same mistake more than twice.
Martin O’Malley, who won’t have to worry about taking a urine test. No performance enhancing drugs will be found in his system.
The GOP, which is waging a war for it’s very soul. The GOP soul: a lot like the poetry wing of the Federal Reserve.
And finally to the Democratic Party, for it unblemished record of being almost as clueless as Ben Carson. Almost.
Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist and comedian