HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hurricane Beatriz pounded Mexico’s Pacific coast with high winds and driving rainstorms Tuesday.
Winds were clocked blowing out of the south at 100 miles an hour.
In San Diego people were holding paper bags up in the air and catching enough cocaine to make a house payment.   
President Obama made a prime time address Wednesday to announce a gradual U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan.
The good news is that 20,000 troops will be flying home from Afghanistan in December.
The bad news is that they have a six-year layover in Libya.
Obama drew unintended gales of laughter Monday after he told the Democratic Party’s fund raiser in Washington that his administration created 2 million private-sector jobs.
It’s not funny.
Not everyone can work the night shift at McDonald’s or repossess cars.
The FDA forced cigarette makers Monday to print new warning labels which show graphic medical photos of the damage smoking causes.
Why stop at smoking?
Every album of love songs should come with a warning label detailing Paul McCartney’s divorce settlement on the cover.
The TSA began working with Border Patrol Monday to continue its new program of 8,000 daily unannounced body scans nationwide.
They can’t grope illegal aliens.
That’s the responsibility of international bankers when the aliens get their first job at a five-star hotel.
Gov. Rick Perry proposed a bill banning intrusive groping by TSA agents, prompting the Justice Department to threaten to cancel all flights to Texas.
This would force travelers to fly to Mexico and then walk across the border to Texas.
The federal government can’t stop that.
GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s fund raising team quit Tuesday, 10 days after his state campaign chairman quit.
Everybody’s blaming his wife.
Newt announced he plans to stay in the race and vowed to find a new wife more acceptable to the Republican rank and file.   
Anthony Weiner cleaned out his congressional office Tuesday after resigning.
Two empty recycling bins stood outside Weiner’s office door.
The congressman is so environmentally sensitive that he distributes all of his nude photographs electronically instead of printing them.
Utah’s former governor Jon Huntsman announced Tuesday he’s running for the GOP nomination for president.
No man ever looked more presidential.
To open the announcement ceremonies he thanked his wife, he thanked his children and then he thanked his maker, Mattel.
The Interior Department extended a two-year ban on mining near the Grand Canyon until December, on Monday, until it can study the environmental effects of mining.
They already know the effect of not mining.
It leads to pristine landscapes and 11 percent unemployment.  
Europe’s food controllers got the continent’s E. coli outbreak under control after it sickened hundreds.
Scientists say Americans have built up a resistance to tainted food.
It infuriates the Russians that their spies can’t poison our spies without our spies ordering a second helping.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)