HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Boston bombers were revealed to be two Chechen brothers Friday. The Chechens are Muslim and white. This allows Republicans to blame the Democrats for being soft on al-Qaeda and the Democrats to blame the Republicans for turning a blind eye to the Klan.
Boston police tracked down and killed one of the two bombing supects Friday as the brother got away. It was a long night. The cops asked Twitter to stop giving tips to the suspect by revealing the police’s whereabouts, but they thanked CNN for throwing him off.
Chechen native Dzhokhar Anzorevich Tsarnaev was identified as the Boston bomber early Friday. It took awhile to track down his profile. At first the only thing we knew about Dzhokhar Anzorevich Tsarnaev is that his name’s worth 1,500 points in Scrabble.
The Boston bombers are from a region of Russia called the North Caucasian Federal District. It’s how they got to New England. They got in a cab in New York and told the driver they live in the North Caucasian Federal District, and he dropped them off in Boston.
Boston was locked down Friday while police went door-to-door looking for the terrorist. No business was open. This hasn’t happened in Boston since the cops went searching for Sam Adams for smashing Episcopal church windows and brewing weak beer.
The FBI and Boston police completely sealed off the neighborhood where the second bomber fled. They were sure they’d find the college kid. If the FBI and local cops couldn’t find him, they were thinking of bringing out the big dogs, student loan collection agents.
The FBI dug into the past of the Boston bombers to see if were they radicalized in U.S. mosques. The nineteen-year-old was fine until he went to college. That’s how student loans affect people when they find out they can’t get in-state tuition like the Mexicans do.
Democratic New York Governor Andrew Cuomo compared the Boston bombing to climate change Friday. His popularity is way down. Andrew Cuomo is attending a fundraiser for himself tonight, because due to the recent terrorist attacks he’s avoiding crowded places.
The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be dedicated in Dallas Thursday. There is cause to admire him. George W. Bush was president for eight full years even though he had two nagging medical problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulations.
Icelanders were given a cell phone app to ensure young people don’t fall in love with first cousins. It’s a small country. Couples bump phones and an alarm goes off if they are first cousins, but if they touch for too long the phones risk transmitting an e-mail virus.
The Chicago Cubs announced Thursday they will spend five hundred million dollars to renovate Wrigley Field. They haven’t won the World Series in over a century. The upgrades will include a new video scoreboard, enhanced night lighting and relief pitching.
New York ex-congressman Anthony Weiner told a reporter Thursday Bill Clinton has been a great source of support and friendship. it’s touching. The sex-scandal disgraced former politician is considering running for mayor of New York, and so is Anthony Weiner.
Elvis Presley impersonaor Paul Curtis was jailed in Mississippi Thursday and charged with sending ricin in the mail to U.S. Senator Roger Wicker. He’d once performed at a party thrown by the U.S. senator.
The Elvis impersonator had an axe to grind because the following year, the senator booked a Beatles tribute band and told him it was over for him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.