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Is this a debate or a primate exhibit?
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HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney met with the Reverend Billy Graham at his home in North Carolina last Thursday. The meeting was only partially successful. Billy Graham agreed to help Mitt Romney get elected president, but he refused to move the Garden of Eden to St. Louis.
Lindsay Lohan announced in Variety Friday that she’s endorsing Mitt Romney for U.S. president, citing his employment record. She is in her twenties, she is jobless and she is on drugs and alcohol. She represents forty million voters and she could turn the election.
Hofstra University on Long Island will host the presidential debate tonight between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Everyone has a prediction. Al Gore said he’s certain Obama will do better in this debate because Hofstra is only 57 feet above sea level.
President Obama spent all weekend in Colonial Williamsburg studying for tonight’s debate with Mitt Romney. He disappeared and spent three days cramming. They were only able to get him to work by telling him the golf course was closed for a Muslim holiday.
A Secret Service agent Friday was found passed out drunk while doing advance work in Miami for the president’s trip. It’s too much security. You do not have to drink a beer from every keg in the city just to make sure that the one the president gets is not poisoned.
The Los Angeles Zoo arranged a walking tour of all the monkey and primate habitats Thursday. People love to watch them laugh, grimace, smirk, roll their eyes and make goofy faces. It just shows that no matter who wins the election, Joe Biden will always work.
The Nobel Peace Prize was handed to the European Union Friday for holding Europe together through bailouts. The credit goes to German bankers who provided the money. Reality show producers explained that this gives Germany immunity in the next world war.
The Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded to Chinese writer Mo Yan Thursday for his book Big Breasts and Wide Hips. That’s interesting. It shows that just as Westerners fantasize about the mysteries of the Orient, the Chinese like to daydream about Wisconsin.
Lance Armstrong was cited in a thousand page report by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency Friday. The report said Lance masked the most sophisticated doping program in the history of sports. Bud Selig was gracious when he was informed the record is no longer his.
Space Shuttle Endeavor was towed from the Los Angeles airport to the California Science Museum. It survived one hundred and thirty million miles in outer space. However, after just fifteen minutes in Los Angeles, someone opened a car door and put a dent in the side panel.
Washington state voters are favored to pass a measure to let people buy marijuana legally. It’ll only add to the chaos. The second civil war will be fought by the states who secede over marijuana laws against the states who secede over the immigration laws.
Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones pleaded guilty Friday to having sex with a seventeen-year-old boy student while she was a schoolteacher in Ohio. The blonde told reporters she plans to go to law school. She’s been accepted by a brand-new online law school but she’s still trying to find out if the University of John Edwards is fully accredited.
Michele Bachmann automatically became a Swiss citizen Thursday after her husband Marcus was granted Swiss citizenship due to his parents’
nationality. It’s weird. Now she’s a citizen of two countries, one that’s officially neutral and one that nestled in the Alps.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at