HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Auto Club tried Monday to reassure Americans wracked by high gas prices and predicted that gas prices will fall 50 cents a gallon in the two weeks leading up to Memorial Day.
Things aren’t as bad as they could be.
People would be totally unable to afford to drive to work if they had jobs.
IMF president Dominique Strauss-Kahn was denied bail in New York Tuesday and charged with sexual assault.
hey said he came out of his hotel shower naked and had unwanted sex with the chambermaid. If convicted he could get four to eight years as California governor.
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted Tuesday he had a child out of wedlock with his family maid in Brentwood 10 years ago.
This is a kid that could someday rule the world. Just think, if that boy is half-German and half-Mexican there isn’t a border in the world that can stop him.
The Pentagon released photos of Osama bin Laden’s private porn stash Friday.
Also, he dyed his hair, took potency pills, smoked pot and liked to watch himself on TV. Each day it becomes clearer and clearer that he didn’t attack Los Angeles out of professional courtesy.
Iran was reported Tuesday to be building intermediate missile bases in Venezuela. This could force Obama to choose between protecting the United States and winning the Latino vote.
If Americans had any equity left in their houses they’d borrow it to build a bomb shelter.
Newt Gingrich’s brand-new presidential campaign imploded on Sunday after he criticized House Republicans for trying to cut the budget. He also offered his qualified support for ObamaCare.
His ambition to becoming the next Reagan shouldn’t extend to medical conditions.
Newt Gingrich apologized to Rep. Paul Ryan for calling his Medicare plan right-wing social engineering.
It may be too late.
Republican fund raising dinners now charge $5,000 to have your picture taken with Newt Gingrich and $50,000 to destroy the negatives afterward.
Ron Paul defended his libertarian views on Fox News Sunday, admitting he’s in favor of the legalization of pot and cocaine and heroin. Conservatives are horrified.
Take the illegal money out of the drug trade and it’ll be just one more industry in America that’s not profitable.
The Corps of Engineers opened spillways on the Mississippi River Monday to save the oil refineries down river. Mississippi farms were swept under water.
If George W. Bush had flooded out black farmers to save oil refineries, Michael Moore would have won an Oscar for it.       
Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Ochocinco tried riding a bull at a Professional Bull Riders event on Saturday.
Bull riding is way too dangerous for NFL players. Ben Roethlisberger was thrown off a motorcycle but at least it didn’t circle around afterwards and try to kill him.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)