Happy Thursday, everybody, and God bless America.
President Obama met civil rights leaders Monday to discuss Ferguson riot grievances. His initial reaction caused panic. When President Obama said we’re a nation ruled by laws, the Secret Service agents wrestled him to the ground and demanded to know what he did with the real President Obama.
The Weather Channel aired video of torrential rains lashing the West Coast Tuesday due to a warm low pressure system arriving from the South Pacific called the Pineapple Express. It’s way overdue. It rained so hard in Los Angeles that Bill Cosby’s drugged cocktails had little umbrellas in them.
Oklahoma was hit by another freak earthquake Sunday, this time a four-point temblor centered 30 miles from Ponca City. These earthquakes are interrupting the cycle of nature in the Southwest. In April, when the tornadoes come to harvest all the mobile homes, they will have already been picked.
The Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce decorated downtown for Christmas shopping over the Thanksgiving weekend to kick off the retail season. You never know who you’re going to see there. Last night on Canon Drive, tourists spotted Burt Reynolds in an antique store, for $800.
King Richard III’s skeleton was verified by his DNA Monday two years after it was found under a parking lot at Bosworth Field where he fell in battle in 1487. Forensic experts first identified him by knife wounds at the base of his skull. The NFL Players Association wishes everybody would just drop it.
St. Louis Rams executives apologized to police for five Rams running onto the field in St. Louis on Sunday with their hands and arms up in the air. They lead the league in charades. When the Rams played in New York they ran onto the field and performed the murder of the police captain in The Godfather.
Charles Barkley defended the police Monday, saying that if it weren’t for police protection, black neighborhoods would be the Wild West. It’s just impossible to verify. Last year, New York had one of its lowest murder rates in history but that’s because they killed the guy who keeps the murder statistics.
Democratic House members of the Congressional Black Caucus concluded their speeches on the House floor about the street riots in Ferguson on Monday by raising their arms in the air in the Don’t Shoot gesture. It was a new low. They’ve just been sued for copyright infringement by the French Army.
Homeland Security’s Jeh Johnson defended President Obama’s illegal immigration order before Congress Tuesday. He said that many fewer illegals are walking across the border now. Last year the U.S. began flying illegal aliens to Mexico, and they use their frequent flyer miles to fly back to San Diego.
Iran’s government announced it’ll start awarding gold coins to couples who have babies to try to increase Iran’s population. The Supreme Leader wants to double Iran’s population to 150 million. If he really wants to increase pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there.
U.S. News and World Report published a study of successful diets and concluded that the Atkins Diet is the most effective. The Atkins weight-loss snacks are so popular that the Catholic Church approved a low-carb, low-calorie communion wafer last week. It’s called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus.
The U.S. national debt passed $18 trillion on Tuesday, setting an all-time record. This explains why the U.S. birth rates are so low despite the U.S. pregnancy rate being so high. On the date of their birth, the babies see the amount of money they are going to owe and they refuse to come out.
USA Today published a U.N. opium survey Tuesday which revealed that Afghanistan’s poppy crop harvest was their second-largest in recorded history. The poppy flower is made into opium and then into heroin. The highly addictive drug has a hundred million users worldwide, second only to Facebook.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com