God Bless America and how’s everybody?
Cinco de Mayo was celebrated in house parties and bars Tuesday in what has become America’s second-biggest drinking holiday. It’s a celebration full of cross-cultural goodwill. Cinco de Mayo is the day when Americans raise a glass and toast the people we spend the rest of the year trying to deport.
Hillary Clinton will be in Beverly Hills Thursday for luncheon and dinner fundraisers at private homes of movie directors and TV producers. The interests of politicians and entertainment figures often intersect. For instance, Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby want to know if Bruce Jenner is a woman yet.
ISIS gunmen were killed in Dallas attacking a Prophet Mohammed cartoon exhibit. The two ISIS guys wielded assault rifles but Texas police drew pistols, fired twice and killed them instantly. The next day ISIS leaders circulated an inter-office memo stating that we are no longer fighting the Syrians.
Chuck Norris warned Tuesday that U.S. troops being sent to San Antonio for war games pose the threat of a U.S. takeover of Texas. They’re heading straight for the Alamo. It’s an article of faith in the White House that Texas would be a lot better off if it had more Mexicans and fewer white cowboys.
L.A. rap mogul Suge Knight remained in jail Tuesday hoping that Floyd Mayweather will bail him out as promised. Jail conditions are awful. Last month, Knight collapsed in court and was rushed to L.A. County Hospital where X-rays showed a broken rib, and because it’s in L.A. they fixed it with Photoshop.
CVS officials announced they will rebuild the CVS pharmacy that rioters looted and burned last week on the same location. That should raise spirits. To get it built as quickly as possible, CVS has issued amnesty to everyone who stole the amphetamines and offered them jobs on the construction crew.
President Obama struggled to convince Democrats to vote for his Trans Pacific Free Trade bill Tuesday. To get Democrats to vote for the bill, Obama promised to campaign for them, but that didn’t work. To get the Democrats to vote for the bill, he should have threatened to campaign for them.
Kim Kardashian hosted a book signing in New York Tuesday to celebrate the release of her new book, “Selfish.” She was married one year ago this month. Kim Kardashian’s bridal gown may have been the most deceitful use of white cloth since German soldiers surrendered to end the first world war.
Manny Pacquiao was sued by ticketholders for not revealing his shoulder injury to the Nevada Boxing Commission Saturday. His loss wasn’t due to his shoulder. Back home in the Philippines, Manny Pacquiao is a congressman, which explains why he didn’t do much of anything the other night.
Indiana’s Westfield high school cast members were singing and dancing the finale of a musical when the stage couldn’t hold the weight of all the performers and collapsed, The kids vanished feet first through the floor. Fox News plans to use the video to tease the GOP presidential candidates debate.
Mike Huckabee mixed economic populism and social conservatism in his announcement speech Tuesday. He’s big with the Southern Baptists. The Southern Baptist Church is the largest Protestant church in America and a stalwart sect that recognizes only one saint, the last living Confederate widow.
Russian war games near the Baltic states drew a NATO alert Monday as U.S. and British troops arrived in Ukraine to train Ukrainians to fight Russians. U.S. senators pressed for the bombing of Iran while the mullahs in Iran threatened to destroy Israel. North Korea just urged everybody to settle down.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com