HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House published its Super Bowl party menu Tuesday offering food from Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. They had bratwurst, kielbasa, potatoes and pizza.
What Americans love about Michelle Obama is that her Healthy Food Initiative starts tomorrow.
Michelle Obama revealed Tuesday that her husband has made it one year without smoking a cigarette.
The withdrawal is brutal.
Charlie Sheen lets everyone think he has a problem with alcohol, cocaine and women just to keep them from noticing that he smokes.
The White House gave a South Dakota grade school a million bucks to teach Arabic to kids.
The DOE called Arabic a language of the future.
Parents are so alarmed at the prospect of Islamification that they just put up a sign at the city limits reading “Mexican Drug Gangs Welcome.”
Andrea Mitchell accused Republicans on Sunday of using Ronald Reagan’s legacy for political gain. Democrats benefit from Jack Kennedy’s legacy as well.
Whenever a Democrat has a missile crisis, voters just laugh it off as the seven-year itch and re-elect him.
Obama evoked JFK in a speech to the Chamber of Commerce Monday. Last week he was Ronald Reagan and this week he’s Jack Kennedy.
How much respect can Black History month generate when Obama observes it by pretending he’s Irish?
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly set Tuesday to be charged with grand larceny in Los Angeles Superior Court. It looks like she’s going to jail this time for sure.
The district attorney announced that Lindsay Lohan will be tried as a black male in his mid-20.
The Super Bowl was the second most-watched TV show in U.S. history Sunday. The most watched show was CNN’s coverage of the bombing of Baghdad on the opening night of the Persian Gulf War.
Anglo-Saxons don’t like to admit we were originally Germanic tribes, but the ratings don’t lie.
Chevrolet offered a new feature letting motorists update their Facebook status while driving. There’s a reason so many Californians are Hindus. If you need to steer the car, text, talk on the phone, sip your coffee, update your FB status, change the radio station, shoot the guy who cut you off and wave at the tour bus, you require a god with nine arms.
Mattel launched a Barbie doll billboard campaign in which Ken begs Barbie to take him back. He had an epiphany. It occurred to Ken while he was being punched by rioters while covering Cairo last week that if he was married, it might get his mother off his back.
The Energy Department revealed plans Monday to install enormous wind farms off the East Coast. The whirring propellers will decapitate hundreds of birds a day that’ll wash up on shore. Democrats have 15 years to figure out how to blame it on an oil company.
Jay Leno unveiled a website called Jay Leno’s Garage to share his auto collection with his many fans and friends. He owns two hundred classic cars, dozens of cycles, and Lamborghinis. Last year Jay Leno made a hundred million dollars, just by switching to Geico.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)