Robert Mueller has many questions for the president. The New York Times released a list of 49 for which Donald Trump hopefully has answers that can assist the special counsel’s investigation into Russian interference during the 2016 election. Although the New York City real estate developer may know nothing at all. A situation many folks say... chances are high.
The president has announced various positions on the potential interview. One: he looks forward to testifying under oath. Two: he will refuse to answer and plead the 5th Amendment to protect against self- incrimination. Three: something in between which could include ignoring a subpoena and/or refusing to admit the existence of anybody who may or may not be named Mueller.
Trump’s lawyers have voiced similar diverse opinions. Some maintain he should testify and get it over with, while others warn he’s walking into a perjury trap. Which, experience tells us, to the 45th POTUS, is any question asked, especially under oath.
It may very well turn out that the only time Trump told the truth in public was when he said if we voted for Hillary, we’d end up with a president under criminal investigation. Sure enough, a plurality of the country voted for Hillary and now the president is under criminal investigation. “Lock him up.”
Nobody’s sure who leaked the list to the press. At this point, it’s all guesswork. Perhaps Mister Special Counsel himself, or someone in or near the White House? The assignment editor at MSNBC? A disgruntled craft services worker from the National Review? Melania? Unnamed sources are blaming well-placed insiders.
And why was the list leaked? To lower expectations, raise them, lull participants to sleep? Is this a double blind or major feint or are they letting the Commander-in-Chief know the nature of the questions to give him time to construct alibis and motivations other than furthering his own future and fortune?
Mostly, the questions sound like typical prosecutorial gobbledy-gook. “Who? What? Where? Why? When? Hunh?” “What were you thinking when whatisname did the thing with the guy at the place?”
None of the preview inquiries mention Russian hookers, so, obviously it’s not a complete list. And in the spirit of helping, we here at Durstco have come up with a few more questions that should be asked because inquiring minds want to know.
- Is Stephen Miller the result of an Army-science breeding program that mated rabid wolverines with poisonous fungus?
- What’s the deal with your hair?
- In your estimation, who has the more annoying mustache: Ty Cobb or John Bolton?
- What are the chances Dennis Rodham will be appointed ambassador to North Korea?
- What was Stormy Daniels like in bed?
- Was Rudy Giuliani trying to help? Isn’t adding him to your legal team like throwing a hippopotamus onto a trapeze team?
- How are things with Melania? Any truth to the rumor that all the knives have been removed from the East Wing?
- How come your ties hang down to your knees? Is it a peripheral vision thing?
- Is Corey Lewandowski your love child?
- Have you ever seen Mike Pence exhibit an actual pulse or is he the product of reverse taxidermy?
- Was James Comey’s freakishly large hands one of the reasons you fired him?

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.