HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House admitted Friday that 90,000 stimulus checks were sent out to dead people last year.
It’s worse than that.
The dead are late in reporting whether they spent their stimulus money to install solar panels or to retain teachers.
President Obama said Friday if Republicans take Congress, it’ll be hand-to-hand combat on Capitol Hill every day. House Members would love to start using their hands again.
They’re sick and tired of chewing on that No-Grope gum every day to help them kick the habit.
The Labor Department announced Friday the U.S. economy lost another 100,000 jobs last month.
Magically, the unemployment rate stayed the same. Democrats used to go to massage parlors for sex, now they go there for better economic numbers.
Obama named former Fannie Mae lobbyist Tom Donilon his National Security Adviser Friday.
He can’t destroy the Taliban with the techniques Fannie Mae used to destroy the U.S. economy. They’ll never borrow money against their caves, that’s their security.
The Gallup Poll revealed Friday that George W. Bush has pulled into a tie with Barack Obama over who was the better president.
Bush must be sad.
Just two years ago he held the title of the worst president in history. Only Mark McGwire’s record was broken faster.
Jerry Brown’s campaign aide was caught on tape Friday calling their governor’s race opponent Meg Whitman “a whore.” Even Democrats were outraged by the put-down.
Within the hour Eliot Spitzer sent Meg Whitman a $4,000 donation just out of habit.
Judge Talmadge Littlejohn of Mississippi jailed a lawyer for two hours Thursday for refusing to join in the Pledge of Allegiance to begin the day’s session.
It’s a long-held custom. Southerners must recite the Pledge of Allegiance once a day to fulfill the terms of surrender.
Universal Studios pulled a trailer for The Dilemma showing Vince Vaughn telling a crowd that electric cars are “gay.”
There’s no hiding the truth.
Last night in San Francisco a Prius was arrested for public indecency when it locked bumpers with a Smart Car on Nob Hill.
Lou Holtz was ordered by ESPN Thursday to stop sending fund raising letters on behalf of the GOP. College football has a huge effect on politics.
Fifteen Southern states voted Republican in the last election because Obama sounds too much like Go Bama.
Swiss bankers acknowledged Friday that the world’s wealthiest investors have been buying up gold, causing gold’s price per ounce to skyrocket.
It’s gotten crazy.
Last week, tourists in Beverly Hills saw Mr. T in a pawn shop, for $600,000.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)