HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Kentucky Fried Chicken disclosed Sunday that KFC franchises sell 25 pieces of chicken per second. That’s half the number it was. KFC used to sell 50 pieces of chickens per second until three years ago when the right wings started getting audited.
Alex Rodriguez may be suspended a second time after his name came up on a list of performance-enhancing drug users in Miami Tuesday. It’s bad. Last night Alex flew to New York to deny taking steroids but it would have looked a lot better if he’d taken a plane.
New York launched an all-out attack on fruit drinks Monday. The labels must warn that sugar can cause amputation, vision loss and kidney failure. Soon the Wounded Warrior TV commercials will be raising money for people coming back from Hershey, Penn.
Beverly Hills Pawn premiered Wedensday about a real-life pawnbroker with a store on Rodeo Drive. Tourists love to peek in the window hoping to see a star in the pawn shop. Last night they saw Michael Douglas on the showroom floor, for six hundred dollars.
Californians reportedly caught Hepatitis A from Townshend Farms frozen berry mix sold at Costco. It’s scary. Michael Douglas would change his story and blame his throat cancer on eating the berry mix but it could end his career if he admitted he shops at Costco.
Barack Obama backed a bill Tuesday to crack down on patent trolls who in the tech world are considered intellectual parasites. It’s confusing. When headlines said Obama was getting tough on trolls, everyone just assumed the IRS had been replaced by a flat tax.
Barack Obama named U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice national security advisor. She got away with blaming the Benghazi attack on a video and didn’t rat on anyone. Going back to their days in Chicago, she not only knows where the bodies are buried, her fingerprints are on the shovel.
UPS upgraded its security procedures Thursday and announced that customers will be required to produce a photo-ID before they will ship something. It’s an idea they took from TSA airport security. First they check your ID and then they check your package.
Chrysler refused a U.S. government recall demand that the automaker recall over two million Jeeps and Grand Cherokees Wednesday. The government says the gas tank placement is unsafe. Anything that holds a $100 worth of gasoline should be in a bank vault.
The IRS was discovered Tuesday to have spent 50 million dollars on lavish retreats at resort hotels. Videotape showed agents at the conference line-dancing and playing party games. They had fun bashing pinatas, and funny enough they were all shaped just like Republicans.
The GOP ran a study Monday to identify their problem with young voters. The study said Republicans must update their technology. They lose a million young voters every time a GOP senator gets busted having telegram sex with a woman he met at typing class.
President Obama will stay at the Beverly Hilton after a fundraiser Friday. The hotel is at the intersection of Wilshire and Santa Monica Boulvards. Every time Obama stays there he breaks O.J. Simpson’s six-hour record for personally tying up traffic in Los Angeles.
Ohio State president and Mormon Gordon Gee joked Sunday that you can’t trust Catholics, and he was forced to resign. Under PC rules, Catholics can’t make fun of Mormons because they’re a minority and Mormons can’t fun of anyone until they can produce someone who’s either poor, drunk, unattractive or unfaithful. Until that day it’s considered sneering.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.