HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New Yorkers lit the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center on Tuesday.
There was no terrorism threat.
Local taxes just raised cigarette prices to $12 a pack, so the only Middle Eastern men left in New York are the ones with a serious stake in this country.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange demanded Hillary Clinton resign Monday after he showed she spied on U.N. delegates.
The next day Interpol charged him with rape.
Just once in her life Hillary Clinton would like to attract the attentions of a man who’s a non-Viking.
The U.S. Army launched a war on the waistlines of U.S. enlisted men and officers last week with a fitness program and weight goal charts.
It may be too late. The next country the U.S. invades could be determined by how late their convenience stores are open at night.
The White House announced a seven-year ban on oil drilling in the eastern Gulf of Mexico. Democrats decided to anger oil companies the moment they got the right to make unlimited donations.
Apparently the strategy is to make the next election so one-sided for Republicans that it offends their English sense of fair play and they donate forty seats back.   
DEA agents uncovered a half-mile-long tunnel running from a Tijuana house to a San Diego warehouse last Friday. The tunnel had a railroad track and railcars loaded with tons of marijuana. The operation is a real-life replica of the train set in Willie Nelson’s den.
TSA chief John Pistole defended the TSA airport screener pat-down as necessary Wednesday no matter how personal it feels. Don’t think it can’t get any worse. United just announced it’s going to start charging passengers a twenty-five dollar molestation fee.
Senate Republicans vowed to filibuster Harry Reid’s Dream Act allowing illegal alien kids to go to college if Democrats don’t extend Bush’s tax cuts. Neither side will budge. Democrats can’t wait to get their hands on more tax revenues and Republicans can’t wait for the illegal aliens to get their college degrees, buy their first home and turn Republican.
President Obama’s debt panel commission suggested painful reductions in federal spending Wednesday. No one was spared. They even cited the basketball player who elbowed President Obama in the mouth last Friday, saying the cuts didn’t go far enough.   
Randy Quaid asked for refugee status in Canada Tuesday. He has evaded U.S. law for a year in a paranoia-filled, freeloading road trip across America leaving chaos in his wake. After he’s up there for about a year we’ll be even with Canada for burning down the White House.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)