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New Yorkie Values
Raging Moderate
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To taunt his rival and sow seeds of evangelical doubt, Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz informed Donald Trump that the rest of the country was concerned about his alarming New York Values, totally ignoring the greater danger of the real estate developer’s aerodynamic coif toppling over and knocking innocent supporters unconscious with its hard candy shell.
The jibe was designed as a sly, wink-wink, nudge-nudge attack resurrecting deeply buried stereotypes about urban areas that also managed to carry a faint whiff of racism and anti-Semitism. It’s a dog-whistle the size of the Louisiana Purchase on steroids.
This geographic schism has been celebrated in literature for centuries and elevated to a hoary trope by politicians in order to highlight their imagined connection to real rural folk. But if Cruz is the country mouse and Trump the city mouse, a lot of people are rooting for large herds of feral cats to make a speedy entrance.
It’s an age-old rivalry. The difference between paths and sidewalks. Simplicity and glamor. Open spaces or 24-hour supermarkets. Porches versus high-rises. Red and blue. Mosquitoes and muggers. Meadows and low-fat caramel macchiatos.
But is it fair to make sweeping generalizations solely based on longitude and latitude? Well, yes, it is. So, besides New York, what other cliches and prejudices do our little minds instantly make when presented with specific locales? Glad you asked.
New Yorkie Values involve a lot of yipping and the sound of toenails scratching on linoleum.
New Jersey Values are almost exactly like New Yorkie Values but with bigger hair.
New Mexico Values boil every question down to whether it goes better with red or green chilies.
New Orleans Values mean partying like there’s no tomorrow and encourages yesterday to bleed into tomorrow and the next day.
New Hampshire Values believe in not just the electric chair, but electric bleachers.
New England Patriots Values mean doing anything and everything to win, including the blurring of boundaries that lesser competitors might consider “the rules.”
New Balance Values take into account sneakers and sneaker accessories.
New Zealand Values revolve around sheep and sheep accessories including effluvium.
New Caledonia Values indicate the matrix that occurs when French culture meets the remote South Pacific. Think Tahiti without all the hustle and bustle.
New Delhi Values include not just the hustle and bustle but also cows and cow effluvium where you least expect them.
Washington DC Values are a mix of New Yorkie Values, New England Patriots Values and New Delhi Values.
Hollywood Values are reduced to, “Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.”
Florida Values are indicative of folks who think just plain crazy is not giving it your all.
Texas Values mostly have to do with barbecue, guns and executing people, not necessarily in that order.
Wisconsin Values are totally measured by how the Green Bay Packers are doing. And cheese.
Arkansas Values are more family oriented, and totally understand that fathers can be uncles at the same time.
San Francisco Values are indicative of a tolerance for almost anything, except the intolerant. That we cannot abide.
Berkeley Values are not as restrictive as San Francisco Values.
Madison Values are similar to Berkeley Values but mitigated by snow and cheese and the Packers.
Maine Values are none of your business.
Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and margarine smuggler