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Now, thats cold
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God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reported record low temperatures in the United States Sunday from Minnesota all the way down south to the Gulf Coast. Many of America’s interior waterways were frozen solid. It’s so cold in Tennessee that Al Gore is sticking to his theory.
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un ordered his cabinet to witness the execution of his Uncle Jang last Friday. He was thrown in a cage and eaten alive by 126 starving dogs. Because of poor ticket sales, the live telecast was blacked out in Pyongyang.
Dennis Rodman flew to North Korea with former NBA players to play North Korea’s team on Kim Jung Un’s birthday. Kim’s uncle was just executed for partying. Before boarding the plane, Dennis was seen clipping his nose hairs for that last little bit of cocaine.
Downton Abbey drew record ratings Sunday to the PBS drama about British nobles a century ago. Americans adore the show. If President Obama delivered the State of the Union dressed like a footman from Downton Abbey perhaps more people would watch.
New York’s Satanic Temple demanded a statue of Satan on Oklahoma’s Capitol lawn next to the Ten Commandments display. It’s doable. Oklahomans are fine with a statue of Satan on their Capitol lawn as long as it is re-sculpted every time Texas changes coaches.
New Yorkers withstood zero-degree cold on Tuesday canceling flights and stranding visitors. It’s aggravating for locals. Your visiting relatives from Miami stand for hours gazing through your picture window and if it gets too bad you have to let them back inside.
O.J. Simpson sent a public request to the White House Friday asking President Obama to include him on his annual pardon list. It’s a miracle. Last week at church, President Obama asked the Lord to show him a way to get everyone to stop talking about Obamacare.
President Obama pushed unemployment benefits as way to stimulate the economy and increase business hiring Tuesday. We’ll know when the U.S. economy has bounced back. Instead of shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin will go back to shooting them for fun.
J.P. Morgan agreed Tuesday to pay $2 billion for its part as the bank for Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff. He used money from older investors to pay off newer investors and then skimmed off the top. It’s a federal crime to impersonate Social Security.
Judy Woodruff interviewed a State Department official who said President Obama is set to close Guantanamo prison soon. Reaction split predictably. MSNBC called it a human rights victory while Fox News said under Obama even the terrorists are losing their homes.
President Obama flew back to Washington Saturday but his wife Michelle remained behind in Hawaii. The White House said it’s part of her birthday present. You can tell that a marriage needs a little refreshing when time apart is considered a birthday present.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at