God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Georgia chef Paula Deen just signed a $75 million dollar deal to fund her books, restaurants and her next TV show. It’s not fair to say she’s biased against black people. Paula Deen’s recipes have killed more white people than Ulysses S. Grant and O.J. Simpson combined.
Son of God opens in movie theaters Friday about the life of Jesus Christ during the age of Imperial Rome. Try to picture his ministry in the age of Twitter. If Jesus came back to Los Angeles, he wouldn’t get away with always ordering water, once the bartenders were on to him.
President Obama addressed HHS volunteers in Washington Tuesday and told them they were doing God’s work by signing up young people for Obamacare. It’s just like clockwork. During the second term in office, every president starts referring to himself in the third person.
The Congressional Budget Office reported that Obamacare will cost small businesses far more than originally projected. The lowest prices don’t give you much time for your medical examinations. If you ask for a second opinion, the doctor goes out the door and comes in again.
Arizona governor Jan Brewer was overwhelmed by pressure to veto a Religious Freedom Bill Tuesday. People take their religion seriously in the Southwest. Last year, a Texas judge upheld the execution of three housewives who walked in front of the TV during a football game.
Johnny Manziel met reporters at the NFL rookie compound in Indianapolis Monday. He’s scoring well on tests. Yesterday, while on the clock, Johnny Manziel passed the Texas field sobriety test in four seconds, and scouts say players like that come along once every generation.
An Oklahoma substitute grade school teacher in Ada was arrested Tuesday for teaching while drunk. Something was wrong right off the bat. When everyone in the class stood and put their hands on their hearts to say the Pledge of Allegiance, she recited the Budweiser Creed.
Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman was arrested in Mazatlan Friday. For 40 years he’s been the world’s top cocaine smuggler. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford spoke for every ear, nose and throat doctor in Beverly Hills Tuesday when he said that Joaquin Guzman will be sorely missed.
Vladimir Putin ordered Russian troops to conduct war games near Russia’s border with Ukraine Wednesday. It’s feared he will seize the eastern half of Ukraine. You can tell Putin is mad because the soldiers pretending to be the Ukrainian forces are the Russian hockey team.
The FDA this week is looking at a fertility technique that adds DNA to an egg, which could end up producing designer babies. It’s mind-boggling. Scientists say someday we could alter DNA to produce a Democrat who’s fiscally responsible or a Republican with a social conscience.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.